Healing a broken heart

[Unregistered]

Hello,
I am trying to break up with a boyfriend because the relationship is very unhealthy. But I am nuts about him and keep going back to him. But I need out. Is there a way to help me fall out of love with him? If hypnosis or NLP would work, which do you think would be a better solution? If either one would work, I would just like to know which kind of practitioner would work best for me, hypnosis or NLP.
Thanks!

[Merlin]

Hello,

Either hypnosis or NLP may be helpful for this.
Which is better depends on the practitioner you go to.

Which is better? A skilled surgeon with a cheap steak knife, or the kid down the street who has a complete set of surgical tools?

Would you expect a better painting from Michelangelo using a tuft of hair tied to a stick, or the mechanic down the street who has no painting experience?

The person with the training is (IMHO) better.

I use both. In fact I use other techniques as well.
The skill with the tool makes all the difference to me :)

[Unregistered]

So, what kind of program do you reccommend? You say you use other techniques too? Might you share those with me? Thanks so much for your help. I feel so desperate and I want to handle this in the quickest way possible.

[Terry (existing)]

To ask advice from total strangers who know nothing about you seems foolish, yet you show you do have smarts enough to know when a relationship is bad for you......Let me say, hypnosis can change your opinion of someone in a very short time, hence it can help you overcome feelings you wish to eradicate. What we don't know, are the details you would need to give a local practitioner in order to be helped...It may well be that you are NOT in love with a person, but in love with being in love, we have no idea. What I can tell you, is that it would be no problem to help you once proper details are known, but we can do nothing at a distance. Hypnosis is a hands on art.....

[Jack]

Hello Guest,

In what way is the relationship unhealthy?

Jack

[Unregistered]

He is cheating on me. In a relationship, if a couple has agreed to have an open relationship, this is fine. However, he keeps telling me that I'm the only one he wants. I want these lies and this man out of my life, but I'm having a hard time with it because when we are together, the relationship is still very satisfying.

[Terry (existing)]

A sexual relationship can seem to be very satifying until and unless you meet Mr right, and then you realise that it wasn't really that satisfying compared to the new relationship based on trust, respect and faith as well as good sex. If all you can hope for is good sex, it really doesn't matter that he is cheating, because he won't be around that long anyway, and you may well be lumbered with a child to take care of as well....But if you value you own self respect, you will run a mile before giving in to such a worthless person. Anybody with a tail can give you satisfying sex, but only someone who respects you can give you love, so please don't talk about a broken heart, that only comes from losing a person who loved you......This one is only using you, and loves nobody but himself....

[Simple Guy]

Guest,

Hypnosis or NLP can help neutralize your feelings for this person. It may be
more beneficial, though, if you were to also use these modalities to create
behaviors that make it less likely for people to treat you poorly. I would
only seek out an experienced practioner with a successful track record in
helping people with these kinds of issues.

[Unregistered]

Hello,
As far as I can read from your first description you feel totally dependent on him (nuts). I do not come from NLP but from psychoanalysis and literature. You could read the piece of Paul Claudel "the Hostage" how seduction works and can destroy a person. But also Laclos "Dangerous liaisons". (Les Liaisons dangereuses). There are movies, on CD and it was in the theater. Look with google "Choderlos de Laclos". I found it.

The structure of seduction is to my opinion hubris: one person presses the other person so much that this other person thinks "O, without me he can not live". That is quite an overestimation.

Maybe someone in NLP would advise you to change one of the modalities how you visualise your lover. Make him like real nuts: brown, dirty, small etc. - in your visualisation.

Well, that is all my personal opinion. I still think I am not qualified to join this community. It seems I am very difficult to hypnotize.
P tèr

[Jack]

Hello Guest,

Thanks for your reply. If he's cheating then no matter what he says he doesn't love you in the way you expect to be loved. The rest is, as Terry said, sex - may be great but not enough for a lifetime. Or maybe even three months.

You can go along to a qualified hypnotherapist and have your emotional concept of this man changed as has been suggested. Once what you believe he is changes, you may find your feelings do too. Then you can move on.

Peter - you are very welcome here, as is your opinion. Whether you can be hypnotised or not has no significance. But, if you want to be, you can be.

Jack

[P tèr]

Hello Jack,
thanks. I registered.

I hope also that our broken heart will see one of the pieces I recommended. She could look at the places where the people are seduced to an impossible choice ("I will give up everything if he can only live", "My life is nothing without him", "I can not but go back to him, although I know...").
P tèr

[Simple Guy]

P t'er,

Welcome to the forum. Have these two works, on a practical level, in your
own life, changed anything? I presume that they may have, so I ask this
question respectfully.

[P tèr]

Hello,
Yes, it changed my ethics. Ethics is the area where you make choices.
Especially the work of Paul Claudel (the hostage) shows the forced choice of terror. The main character has as her inmost being her honor. In order to fulfill her honor she must give up her honor. That is, in order to save a life she has to marry the very one who destroyed her family. In that way she looses her honor, but she saves another life. She however, looses the very being she is.
That is the impossible choice which is also visible in Sophie's Choice.

I learned from it that you never can give up what makes you "you". It is against humanity itself. And how people can get that far, you can see precisely in that work of Claudel (and of Laclos, but Claudel is better). The structure of seduction is fascinating. They give you the choice, but not really. It is worked out over and over again in our society in very many ways. Consultants do it, psychoanalists do it, doctors, priests, teachers etc. The fundament is: this life depends on your choice. The whole world, myriad of angels, etc, is waiting for you...

It made me much more careful in giving advise because the danger is that I could seduce someone to such a situation as described above. One can see the anger of society when a healer seduces a patient to make her own decison not to have old fashioned medical care - and the patient dies. (I am certainly not a healer).
If I give advise, I am clear: do "this". Most of the time I just let it go.

There is a lot of literature about the forced impossible choice. Think about the choice the terrorist wants to force western governments to. But on the normal level, of being consultant, NLP-er etc, one should be aware of it also.
Seduction is always around the corner in such professions. One should know his literature. One should never work as guru. You can see in the medical profession that even with so much peer reviews, it often goes wrong. Any consultant should be embedded in a professional network.
P tèr

[Simple Guy]

P t'er,

Thank you for a thoughtful response. People do lose some of their
individual choice, or at least the capacity to exercise their freedom of
choice in all kinds of situations, seduction, yes and by surendering to
advice giving gurus, of whatever stripe. It also takes place in intimate
personal relationships where there is a melding of identities to a detriment
of individual betterment and growth. Bruce Springsteen's song lyrics: "Two hearts
are better than one," isn't always true. -- It depends on the minds of those whose
hearts become interwined.

It's everyone's right, I believe, to maintain "what makes you 'you.' " Discovering what
that is, though, in the fullest sense means putting our conceptions of who we think
we are at risk. You raise the ethics issue, rightfully, as everyone is entitled to their own
freedom of choice on their journey of discovery.

[Shattered]

I stumbled into this website via Google. I am considering hypnosis, I am at wit's end. I lost my boyfriend of 9 years and the breakup has almost killed me. It's been almost 2 years now, and I am still so heartbroken I cry myself to sleep, lose sleep, have not been able to date others, still talk to him all the time, and hold onto a hope that someday we will reunite. He says he is my friend, but he can be very cruel. I am very depressed. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
~shattered in Santa Barbara

[Don]

Get into some form of therapy. Your situation is not unusual at all, and you're not alone. Hypnotherapy is one healing modality that can help you.

[Enlightened]

A couple of years ago I called a LICSW who also used hypnosis. I told her I watched "Office Space" and I'd like the be hypnotized to forget my ex (who I worked with on a daily basis). I was half serious but looking for help. I set up a time to meet her.

Anyway, long story short, my ex and I had an extremely dysfunctional and highly passionate sexual relationship for years (sex was great for more than a few months. For over 4 years it was amazing). He continued to try to date other women throughout the last 5 years but still found himself attached to me (although only admitting it 30% of the time). All I wanted was to forget about him and be carefree like the guy in Office Space, so I could work with him and move on...my attachment to him regardless of his abusive behavior was strong. This is not unusual for someone who has history of been abused. Understand I faced my abuse in 1990 and still struggle with it.

The LICSW never used hypnosis with me. Finally after a year, I world out why I was soooo attached to him. Essentially I was able to move on and eventually on to another relationship. Our bond come from a mixture of being familiar and comfortable and the two of us trying to fix our relationships with family. I was trying to fix the one with my mother (the abuser). I decided to take a clinical approach to my problem so I could understand the implications of "victims" and "abusers." Why was I so attached to someone who disrespected me? Well, I learned as a child, that those who love you, also hurt you and degrade you. So if he was abused as a child, as was I...why did we turn out different?

There are some codependant books by that are pretty good, a few by Patricia Evans..."Controlling People" (I think was by her) and was my favorite...and if you do have abuse in your background which is actually quite common, even though most prefer not to call it abuse, "The Abusive Personality" by Donald Dutton is more of a text book/clinical version of why these bonds form which was helpful for me. I could then recognize and understand my problem(s) and understand I was screwed up but in a normal sort of way.

I've also had relationships where the men have adored me and there was no abuse. But I am still highly attracted to very screwed up men, they understand the part of me that is screwed up...and I probably always will be attracted to them. Two relationships later, I've learned of ways to deal with these men, it takes a lot of effort and I don't recommend it, but if you can't get beyond it, you do what you gotta do. And maybe I can find one that is screwed up but working on himself, like me.

Somewhere out there is another man for you where the sex is good AND he treats you right. He might not be perfect...but mutual respect and a good sex life can get you far.

Whatever drives you to love a man who does this to you, I wish you luck on the your journey to peace. Patience, it takes time.