master_debator
12-25-2007, 07:22 PM
Hey everyone I've been editing a cover letter for my dads business, and I used some language patterns that I've found in my homemade zebu cards. Can you please review this text and let me know what you think, and what should be added/removed.
Here is the link to the file just in case its too hard to read the text below.
http://www.atriskstoriesofhope.com/coverletter.doc
I formed my company because I provide living examples of the effects of mentoring at risk students. Detroit has a reputation of being a dangerous city filled with temptations for unguided students. Our speakers are my former students, who are award winning artists that graduated from high school and are currently attending college and pursuing their dreams. Their stories will inspire your students because students identify best with their peers. Our stories are about overcoming adversity, violence, gangs, and adopting positive attitudes about education and higher education.
It is difficult to find a city with our reputation which is where we derive our credibility. If we can prevent a dropout and create a college student here, we can do it in your community. Current literature projects the cost of a dropout on our nation at $260,000 per his/her lifetime.
ARSH, LLC wishes to empower your students with real life skills for survival in today’s economy. Screen printing is the most exciting way to teach entrepreneurial skills. Digital photography and Photoshop are necessary components of screen printing. They are very marketable skills and are part of our donation to your school.
Here are a couple of well known facts regarding education in America:
• More-than half the students who dropout leave by the tenth grade, 20% quit by the eight grade, and 3% dropout by the fourth grade.
• Every year, more than 1 million students dropout of high school in the United States alone. That works out to be around 6000 a day or one every 29 seconds.
• National data show that students from low-income families are 2.4 times more likely to dropout of school than are children from middle-income, and 10.5 times more likely than students from high-income families.
Seeing a student that was considered “un-reachable” graduating is inspirational, is it not? My mentor Martin Moreno once told me “You alone, can make a positive change in a young persons life.” How would it feel if you were the one to create those positive changes that could empower a young person to pursue his or her dreams? Sooner or later a young adult will be faced with decisions that may lead them down the wrong path. Will you take action now to prepare them, or will you take action later when it may be too late? I could tell you all day long that we will inspire your at risk students, but I’d rather you discover that for yourself.
Sincerely,
Hector Tapia-Perez
President, At Risk: Stories of Hope, LLC
hectorperez@atriskstoriesofhope.com
Here is the link to the file just in case its too hard to read the text below.
http://www.atriskstoriesofhope.com/coverletter.doc
I formed my company because I provide living examples of the effects of mentoring at risk students. Detroit has a reputation of being a dangerous city filled with temptations for unguided students. Our speakers are my former students, who are award winning artists that graduated from high school and are currently attending college and pursuing their dreams. Their stories will inspire your students because students identify best with their peers. Our stories are about overcoming adversity, violence, gangs, and adopting positive attitudes about education and higher education.
It is difficult to find a city with our reputation which is where we derive our credibility. If we can prevent a dropout and create a college student here, we can do it in your community. Current literature projects the cost of a dropout on our nation at $260,000 per his/her lifetime.
ARSH, LLC wishes to empower your students with real life skills for survival in today’s economy. Screen printing is the most exciting way to teach entrepreneurial skills. Digital photography and Photoshop are necessary components of screen printing. They are very marketable skills and are part of our donation to your school.
Here are a couple of well known facts regarding education in America:
• More-than half the students who dropout leave by the tenth grade, 20% quit by the eight grade, and 3% dropout by the fourth grade.
• Every year, more than 1 million students dropout of high school in the United States alone. That works out to be around 6000 a day or one every 29 seconds.
• National data show that students from low-income families are 2.4 times more likely to dropout of school than are children from middle-income, and 10.5 times more likely than students from high-income families.
Seeing a student that was considered “un-reachable” graduating is inspirational, is it not? My mentor Martin Moreno once told me “You alone, can make a positive change in a young persons life.” How would it feel if you were the one to create those positive changes that could empower a young person to pursue his or her dreams? Sooner or later a young adult will be faced with decisions that may lead them down the wrong path. Will you take action now to prepare them, or will you take action later when it may be too late? I could tell you all day long that we will inspire your at risk students, but I’d rather you discover that for yourself.
Sincerely,
Hector Tapia-Perez
President, At Risk: Stories of Hope, LLC
hectorperez@atriskstoriesofhope.com