View Full Version : Hypnotherapy possible for relationship issue?
This may sound like an odd question but would hypnotherapy help me get over my ex/soon-to-be-current girlfriend's sexual past? We have been on a haitus for a few months and during that time, we have both been with other people. While I was always uneasy about what she had done before me, I feel as though I can never get back with her bc of what has happened during our split. We do love each other but I have not been able to look at her the same way since, as these mental pictures of her and another man in her apartment keep running through my head. I am unable to even look in her bedroom bc I get so uneasy even thinking about what went on in there with someone that I love. I know this sounds ridiculous as I have been doing the same but I am just not capable of ignoring the issue like she is. I want to be with her unconditionally but I just can't get over what has happened in my absense and it's ruining our chances of being together. Would hypnotherapy be able to rid me of these thoughts and make me apathetic to the past? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Love hurts.
JP
Yes. Go to a certified clinical hypnotherapist with experience in this area.
Simple Guy
10-22-2004, 08:40 AM
J.P.,
Your question is not odd and doesn't sound ridiculous. Many of us have
been in the same boat. "Love hurts," you say. It does, sometimes,
as it has a way of exposing vulnerabilities. Those that can't experience
the hurt are those that can't experience the more desirable flip side
of the coin. Be glad that you can.
Hypnotherapy can help. The best bet, in my opinion, would be to work
with an experienced hypnotherapist. Some may view this as sexist, but a
male hypnotherapist that has experienced this issue would probably
be best suited to assist you.
JP,
Im going to be ugly here, so hitch up your britches. AND I may be so far off base, that you can rightiously tell me "hogwash", or something stronger.
You are correct, in that you have a problem, but it isnt in forgetting that your girlfriend has slept with other guys. That's the tip of the iceberg.
Im not going to speak about the hypocracy of you expecting her to accept your past, when you cannot accept hers, because that is merely a symptom.
If I understand your post correctly, this woman has not lied to you, or cheated on you, she simply has had other relationships, when she was NOT dating you.
You have to ask yourself, where is the maturity to acept that other people have lives and cannot be expected to sit at home waiting for you to call, whether they know of your existance or not?
Where is the maturity on your part to understand that other people make decisions about their lives that is in their best interest first, and only includes your interest if and when they get to know you and develop an interest in you?
Where is the maturity on your part that allows other people to have life experiences both good and bad that dont include you?
Where is the maturity on your part to understand that even if she is in a commited relationship with you, she is going to have fantasys about others, just as you do, and she will enjoy them, just as you do?
You say you and she have had a hiatus.
Id be willing to bet that the relationship was having difficulties that included your jealousey issues and arent limited to just to her sexual past.
How did you deal with others flirting with her, and or her flirting back?
How did you deal with her having friends who didnt include you?
How did you deal with her having time and space to herself?
Did you ever hear the words "controlling" or "suffocating" from her or previous girlfriends?
Real mature love, doesnt just allows the other person their space, and time, and interests, but it means that you would actively encourage and support her interests, simply because SHE enjoys them, even if you cannot fathom why anyone would.
Hypnosis, EFT (which can be learned free here www.emofree.com download the free manual and follow the instructions), can help if the issue is single in nature and you dont exhibit any of the other things I mentioned.
Otherwise you may need hypnotherapy, or relationship therapy, to resolve your insecurity issues.
I do wish you the best.
skip
Well seeing as there is actual interest in my problem, I guess I should give a brief synopsis of what went down. I am a 24-year-old with a 10-year history of dysthymia, or functional depression and what some would call a drinking problem. While I don't drink to function, the binge drinking on weekends is rather severe and has caused all of my relationship problems. Her and I dated for 2.5 years, with the summer of 2003 resulting in a breakdown of sorts for myself, involving moderate alcohol and substance abuse as well as one fateful night of infidelity that nearly ended it all. Following a brief split, she actually took my sorry ass back as I promised to stop drinking and dedicate my life to her and our uture. It was an excellent theory at the time but following 6 months of total control by her (which was completely understandable in hindsight) I began to feel the pull of that social life that broke us apart inititally.
Now 7 months removed, I have not curbed my drinking and have managed to pop in on numerous occasions while drunk and in tears asking for her back. As a defense mechanism due to her beleif that I will not change, our conversations flip between how much we do still love each other and how she can never take me back bc of my problem. While during this period, we have both done our respective things with other people. While she certainly doesn't like the mental pictures that her mind creates, I am totally fanatical when thinking of her with someone else, sleeping in our former bed, being with the girl that I still love.
Now Skip, you mention the word maturity a lot in your post and that is the main issue at point here with us. You make perfect sense in your explanation and if I was being logical, I would have no problem accepting it. However, due to the level of emotion right now, I recognize how ridiculous I am being yet still can't do anything about it.
I was never controlling, jealous, irrational, etc. during our relationship. In fact, even before my ****-up, she had always been the more controlling of the two of us. My therapist feels as though there was something about her that induced self-destruction in me (possibly my issues about her past?). In all fairness however, her mother was an alcoholic and it's east to realize what my drinking represented to her.
In a nutshell, we both still love each other very dearly and want nothing more than to be with each other forever. She has seen no change in me in 7 months and assumes that nothing will be resolved, hence her desire to move on and get over me. For the first time in 7 months of drunken courtship, I finally promised her that the drinking would stop, although she would not be by my side again to help me through it. This is something I would have to do alone and when the time is right, come back to her and let her know that I did it for myself and not her. In regards to hypnotherapy, if and when we do get back together, I fear as though I couldn't ever get over the fact that another man had been with her, in our old apartment, in our old bed. I want nothing more than to be happy with her forever but I feel as though our chances are being damaged by my obsession with her sexual activities during our break. It has totally consumed every aspect of my life.
A few last notes so I don't look like the world's greatest selfish drunken cheating ashole boyfriend: When sober, I am the most amazing person in her eyes. When drunk, I become something that both her and I despise. And yes, I recognize how insane I sound right now. I am just completely irational at this point and need some answers. Skip, I appreciate the tough love. The truth is, when she took me back the first time, i thought I was mature enbough so settle down and realize that this is what matters most. That idea was wonderful for a brief time and then I felt as though I was being trapped by her. Now as I look back to see how juvenille I am acting, I am starting to realize that certain people I surround myself with and specific things I do are not really in my best interest. I have a crucial decision to make in the next few months involving either staying local in this one horse town (Westhampton, Long Island, NY btw) or do the mature thing by leaving and going to law school somewhere far away and see what else life has to offer. I'm beginning to realize that the only chance for my maturity, relationship and future lie somewhere far from here. Sorry for the rambling. It's been a long week. I think I was talking about hypnotherapy, right?
JP
PS: Maybe I'm just a naive kid who knows little about life and love and needs to stop *****ing? Feel free to agree...
Terry (existing)
10-24-2004, 02:52 PM
Each of us has a different way of aproaching a problem, and there are those who feel that a forthright aproach to a poster with a problem is rude and unacceptable and should be sugar coated.... You will note that it took Skips aproach to get you to open up a little, so now I will offer another suggestion. First, read both your posts and retain in memory, then read what I am about to say, and read it as if it were YOU saying it to yourself...I am willing to bet, that if you are honest, you will agree with all of it.....
Post one. You managed to place ALL the blame for problems on the other party, I know this to be true and so do you. How cowardly is that?
Post two. You opened up a little but still wriggled out of accepting blame or even admitting that you are indeed an alcoholic, though you admit all problems you have had are due to your drinking.....That is NOT niave, that is cowardly and shows you have chosen to live in a dream world, which even in that state you admit is unhealthy and not the sort of world you should be offering to someone you claim to LOVE......Fact is, the person you really love, and the only person you love is YOU is it not?
If the young lady was my daughter, I would demand that no matter what else, you must cease the drinking before having anything further to do with her...What do you think, assuming that it was a daughter of yours? Can you in all honesty live with this person, and share such a disfunctional lifestyle with her, and not expect or accept that she will cheat on you? Are you in fact worth faithfullness, honest you don't offer to others, or decency in how you treat those you claim to love? It seems to me that you are not worth it, but I also hope that reflection will uncover a decency in you that will force you to take such action as to make you a worthy prospect for a life together with another person that is worthy of faithfullness and all the things that make a marriage worthwhile. The question of hypnosis should be left until you have taken such action as makes you worth helping, and the first step in my opinion, is to join AA and DO something about your drinking rather than empty promises.....
If you feel this post insulting, put it down to a father who had a daughter who married an alcoholic and it was a disaster....Thank God she is her father's daughter, and refused to put up with garbage. Divorce was the obvious next step, but how sad that a wonderful person should make such a foolish move?
Just as sad, that someone she felt enough love for to marry, should turn out to be such a failure.....
Unregistered
10-24-2004, 07:34 PM
Terry-
Once again, I take no offense to your strong criticism. Alcohol has been a major part of my life since my teens and it was only a few months ago that I was able to inform my therapist, who has known me for about ten years, that i was concerned about my drinking. It was a problem that I refused to adnmit, always making excuses as to why i got so drunk. I guess part of it is that i never saw myself as belonging to the typical alcoholic stereotype. I always thought people with serious drinking problems needed a drink to get them through the day. I on the other hand, saw myself as a college kid who liked to get really drunk on weekends and engage in the occasional mid-week blackout. But I realize now that this in itself is a problem. Once I start, i don't know how to stop. My legs will be giving out on me from too much booze but I will still manage to stagger over to the bar to throw down a few more shots. I have been a cheater, a back-stabber and a drug-abuser under the influence of alcohol. I have woken up the next morning and avoided phone calls from friends bc I don't remember who I may have offended.
For amusemnt purposes only, my friends and I used to take those "Do you have a drinking problem?" surveys online and laugh about who had the worst drinking problem. Last night, I took those same surveys with a straight face and saw the results. For all intents and purposes, i have a drinking problem.
These last few weeks have been incredibly difficult given the situation with my ex and up until a few days ago, I was only concerned with looking good to get her back. But it shouldn't be that way. I need to change for myself, regardless of what the future may hold for us. When I tried last year, I quit drinking for her. And after 5 months of sobriety, i convinced her that I could drink and keep it under control. But I couldn't and she got hurt all over again. Her last image of me for nearly a month after our breakup was me leaning over a toilet, nearly unconcious with that look in my eye that she hated so much.
But I didnt even care. for the first mont or so, i was so happy to be out of her control. And of course, the drinking continued heavily. And that's when i started calling again. Totally selfish of me, because she saw no sign of change and wanted to get over me. But I kept coming over, drunk as all hell, making her feelings even worse. While she still loved me, all i was doing was reminded her of everything she hated about my lifestyle. Finally, last week, after she took all she could, she told me she wouldn't open up the door anymore if I came by.
I know this is a far cry from my first post, where i was curious to see if hypnotherpay could get me over what she's done in my absense. It looks even more ridiculous now than it did then. The reality is that I need to get my life together before I can even think of making it work with her. I just hope that she'll still be there when it happens (and I say that out of love more than selfishness).
One final note... I am attending an AA meeting this Wednesday for the first time in my life. While it has been a difficult decision to make, I realize that regardless of how I may try to rationalize it, I have a drinking problem. i have a bright future ahead of me and drinking will only continue to ruin all things worthwhile in my life. I'll keep you guys updated on the progress. I really appreciate the advise and all of your words have helped more than you can ever imagine. I can do this.
JP
And yes, I do agree with everything you said Terry.
Terry (existing)
10-25-2004, 03:00 PM
Glad to know it my friend, because it was offered in an honest attempt to help...I can be a very nasty bastard at times, because I credit every human being with the ability to do as I have done for myself, and watched others do for themselves. Working with alcoholics has made me recognise that there but for the grace of God go I. Yet today, I recognise many who once had a drinking problem as my good friend, and as a decent caring human being. I now give you that credit for so long as you attend meetings, and will be happy to hear of your successes whatever they may be. Remember, you will be doing it for YOURSELF and you are the ONLY ONE who can do it for you............
My one time son in law is still the loser he was when my daughter divorced him, and has managed to ruin another life since then as well as be a disapointment to his younger brother who is loyal, but not blind to his failures. I can do no more than encourage you to act not just promise. Terry
For my self most of all and for a girl that loves me dearly but hates my problem so much, I will not make empty promises. It was always just so hard to realize the problem because i thought my drinking was just commonplace of those my age, although no one I know aside from some of my weaker-willed friends were getting as drunk as me. It's been such a large part of my life that it's hard to imagine my world without. But I did it once for 5 months and i survived. It was only when i tricked myself into thinking that I could do it in moderation that the issues began again. I have a serious problem and i'm amazed at my ability to admit it. Thanks to everyone for all of your help. I've made a lot of prgoress from my first post until now. I'll worry about my insecurity issues with her when the time comes but first I need to get my life straight. Terry, i'm sorry you and your family had to deal with an alcoholic but your experience may have prevented another failed ruined relationship. Thanks so much. I'll keep you posted.
JP
Simple Guy
10-25-2004, 10:14 PM
J.P.,
Best wishes to you in making your life better. My thoughts and prayers
are with you.