Developing an intimate friendship

[Brian Carr]

Hello,

I am a rather shy, awkward, physically disabled college student who'd dearly appreciate a bit of advice. I am acquainted with a lovely young woman whom I want to know better. We seem to have rather different personalities (and cirumstances), so I think it unlikely she would be disposed to develop a true friendship with me--perhaps, at best, only the most superficial kind.

The other problem is that we don't attend classes together. I haven't seen her in quite a while, so I used that rationale to invite her for a "chat." But after that, they'll be no reason for her to stay in contact with me . . . unless I establish a rapport.

That's why I'm posting this message. I can only present myself as I seem to be, yet I want her to see beyond that so we can effectively establish foundations of trust, respect, and affection. I want her to keep coming back.

What techniques can I use to make a powerful impression on her mind?

You've no doubt inferred I'm attracted to this person, and I am--extremely so. But all I care for is a genuine friendship; I want a romantic relationship only as a natural extension of that.

I live a profoundly isolated life, and I've never truly had the opportunity to forge enduring relations with others. I've been an emotional wreck the past several years, but such an accomplishment might begin to help me recover.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Brian Carr

[student_of_hypnosis]

I'm probably one of the least useful people on this forum in answering your question, I'll be the first to tell you that (as demonstrated in the last line). But the best I can say is that they (they being the actuall hypnotherapist that read these forums) probably need more information on what exactly you want from them. Do you want to know if you should try hypnosis to better yourself for talking to her... I don't know I would say no but I don't even have a high school diplomia so it really doesn't matter. I say you just talk to her the best you can, she'll probably see your shy and talk to you a decent amount a few things you should remember is just be yourself (don't try to be someone your not) and don't worry she's not judging you she'll like you for who you are and how you are not what your not (sorry bout the double negatives). Just remember ask her back sometime.

That's the best I can say but I would say wait for somone else to reply (I mean we have to have a few psychologist here and they are actually trained to tell you what would be best).

Just my humble thoughts,
Ryan

[Brian Carr]

student_of_hypnosis,

No, you are not one of the "least useful people"--you make several thoughtful points, and I appreciate it. :)

You're right: I shouldn't try to be more than I am. But, as with many others, I am a complex person with many different sides to my personality. Sometimes this causes problems, since people tend to base their judgements on the characteristics easiest to perceive.

Think about it. How many times have you formed an opinion of someone you've just met, only to understand after getting to know them that your perception was wrong? No, my friend, reputation isn't everything.

In my case, I suffer both emotional and physical challenges. The physical aspect--my cerebral palsy--is particularly problematic, since I can't hide it. Consciously or unconsciously, fairly or unfairly, "normal" people behave differently toward me. My personality may also strike some as unusual; in many ways I don't fit the characteristics of the "average" 22-year-old American male. It can cause some awkward moments, as it seems my fellow George Mason students are often intimidated by my supposed intellectualism.

I believe my acquaintance (Kelsey) feels the same. Yet there are many things I like about her, so it would be a shame not to be able to know her. If I could somehow alter her perceptions, I might stand a chance. I'd like her to forget her apprehensions and have her mind--conscious and subconscious--stop defining me by my disability. I want her to feel relaxed and comfortable around me; I want her to want to know me, at least long enough to make an informed conclusion.

So I believe hypnosis--or even mere suggestion--could be useful. But I need advice. . . .

From one student to another, I thank you for your post, and . . . sorry for the long reply! :eek:

Brian

[pinktrance]

:) dear Brian, i had to reply as i think what youre wanting to do is totally unethical, you shouldnt alter peoples perceptions to like you, people need to form their own opinions of others.

i suggest that if you want to use hypnosis as a form of help in anyway, you should use it on yourself. If you were to use suggestions to make yourself more confident arround women that would be of much more benifit to you.
i was taught that its whats inside that matters, and why would you want to get close to someone else that dosent also think that of their own free will. These sort of things can end up back firing on us anyway, you could end up in a worse situation that you are now, let people respect you for who you are, be proud of yourself and confident and others will see the good that shines through, just be yourself.
with love
pinky

[Don]

Hi, Brian.

I want to agree with pinktrance. Working with hypnotherapy to improve your self-image and self-confidence will help you a great deal.

But I'd like to make some suggestions in the meantime that might help you to get to know her better:

1) Smile. People like to see smiling faces.
2) Use her name. Don't just say, "Hi," but say "Hi, Susan" (or whatever her name is). People like to hear their names.
3) Ask about her interests. People like to talk about themselves. If there is something where you have a common interest so you can both talk about it, great. But even if there isn't, asking about her interests and you showing genuine interest in what she is talking about will help.
4) As pinktrance said, be yourself. If you try to change to fit what you think she might like you will be unhappy. You wouldn't be you.

Good luck!

[EC]

Hi Brian,

Just like to add one thing to the already excellent replies you have received:

You said >>I don't fit the characteristics of the "average" 22-year-old American male. It can cause some awkward moments, as it seems my fellow George Mason students are often intimidated by my supposed intellectualism. <<

Ask yourself why being intellectual causes awkard moments ?

There are many, many intellectual people out there, but for many this doesn't cause problems. Could it be that you are over-compensating for the perceived limitations that you have otherwise ?

Do work to let the real you come thru. People will see this and you will be able to form satisfying relationships.

I wish you the best

EC

[Brian Carr]

Could it be that you are over-compensating for the perceived limitations that you have otherwise? Hello, EC!

Could you please explain what you mean?

[Merlin]

Hello Brian,

If you seek short-term manipulation, then hypnosis may help.
But keep in mind, the manipulations will have to be permanent, otherwise the subject of your desires will eventully discover she has been used. That is not the basis for a longer relationship.

It is normal for a younger man to 'feel' less than normal. It comes from being subjected to other children (in school) who behave in less than appropriate ways. Children are cruel (it doesn't stop in second grade, the cruelty continues for many years).
You probably notice those who stand out. They are not the norm, they are just the obvious.

Over the next decade of your life, much will change.
Some few people will still stick out, they are the exception, not the rule.

Now, when I say children are cruel, I am not responding to possible experiences of yours, I do not know them, and mind-reading is a chore (i'm lazy. I don't like mindreading)

I'm only saying that life in the first 25 or so years does not give one a good idea of what the norm is.


Where to go from here?
If she agrees to chat, then you have rapport.

Take an interest in her personality, goals dreams, directions in life.
People enjoy talking about themselves, and listening builds rapport.

>What techniques can I use to make a powerful impression on her mind?

Listening is very powerful!
So is self confidence. (wimps are not fun to be around)

Good luck :)

[Brian Carr]

Rest assured I absolutely do not intend to use this person! All I hoped for was a way to help ensure our meeting is smooth--with or without hypnosis. You've given me several solid "suggestions" (lol--:p ).

I'll let you know how things go (although she hasn't replied to a follow-up message I know she read several days ago).

My thanks to all who replied. Please continue, if you have any more advice. :)

Brian

[Merlin]

>I absolutely do not intend to use this person!

Hi Brian.

that's not the issue.
The issue is whether she might *perceive* she's being manipulated, whether true or not.

[student_of_hypnosis]

although she hasn't replied to a follow-up message I know she read several days ago

don't worry about this to much I sent an e-mail to Merlin a few days ago asking whether she would recommend a book or not and she hasn't replied. The trick is to simply slip in a simple and sly reminder (as shown above) to make sure she hasn't just overlooked it (make sure not to be annoying). Then maybe it just takes a while to e-mail something to camelot.

[Brian Carr]

. . . I sent an e-mail to Merlin a few days ago asking whether she would recommend a book or not and she hasn't replied. The trick is to simply slip in a simple and sly reminder (as shown above). . . . :D

Ryan, you'll be a master of indirect suggestion!

[Merlin]

>I sent an e-mail to Merlin a few days ago asking whether she would recommend a book or not and she hasn't replied.

Since she just doesn't check e-mail very often, it could be a while :)

[EC]

Hi again Brian,



Let me explain with a short story:



Once worked with a young fellow that was 14 yrs old. When he was 2 yrs old he was involved in a car accident that damaged his right leg to the point that it was a little shorter than the left. This left him with a noticeable limp. As a young child he was teased by the other children, (we know how cruel children can be) and he was routinely left out of games and sports the children played. His entire life had become a challenge to prove that he was as capable as the other children. This affected every area of his life. This over-compensation for his handicap was driving everybody nuts, including him, his parents, friends, and, those he met were “put off” because he came across as if he was “superior” and seemed to always to be trying to prove it.



What he really wanted was just for others to accept him as he was. He got his wish when he realized he wasn’t a child that had to prove himself anymore, and, when he stopped trying to prove himself, people began seeing just a really nice, intelligent guy with a limp.



If you believe that you may be “coming across as different”, as intellectual, perhaps it’s because you too believe you must compensate for a handicap. Assess yourself and how you come across to others.

Close your eyes, form a picture in your mind of how you want to come across, of who you want to be, give yourself all the desirable attributes, in other words; make a model you. Hold onto that picture and role-play it. The mind has a unique way of making our self- perception a reality. That old statement “you are what you eat”, is a true statement. “You are what you think about”, or perceive yourself to be, is just as true !


As far as communication with others is concerned, show interest in the other person, be empathetic, compassionate, honest; try to talk about them instead of yourself. You will be liked !



Hope this helps,



EC

[Brian Carr]

Hello!

Matters seemed to work out rather nicely for our first meeting. Indeed, she's invited me to a get-together a few weeks from now. (It's also possible we may meet again privately before then.)

I probably shouldn't have worried too much. When I said she's lovely, I wasn't only referring to her physical attributes.

Still, a large part of my trouble is maintaining stable relationships. We'll see. . . .

Yours ever insecure,
BC

[welshguymikey]

student_of_hypnosis,

No, you are not one of the "least useful people"--you make several thoughtful points, and I appreciate it. :)

You're right: I shouldn't try to be more than I am. But, as with many others, I am a complex person with many different sides to my personality. Sometimes this causes problems, since people tend to base their judgements on the characteristics easiest to perceive.

Think about it. How many times have you formed an opinion of someone you've just met, only to understand after getting to know them that your perception was wrong? No, my friend, reputation isn't everything.

In my case, I suffer both emotional and physical challenges. The physical aspect--my cerebral palsy--is particularly problematic, since I can't hide it. Consciously or unconsciously, fairly or unfairly, "normal" people behave differently toward me. My personality may also strike some as unusual; in many ways I don't fit the characteristics of the "average" 22-year-old American male. It can cause some awkward moments, as it seems my fellow George Mason students are often intimidated by my supposed intellectualism.

I believe my acquaintance (Kelsey) feels the same. Yet there are many things I like about her, so it would be a shame not to be able to know her. If I could somehow alter her perceptions, I might stand a chance. I'd like her to forget her apprehensions and have her mind--conscious and subconscious--stop defining me by my disability. I want her to feel relaxed and comfortable around me; I want her to want to know me, at least long enough to make an informed conclusion.

So I believe hypnosis--or even mere suggestion--could be useful. But I need advice. . . .

From one student to another, I thank you for your post, and . . . sorry for the long reply! :eek:

Brian
it is not hypnosis or nlp that you need, its guts, being shy is ok, but ounce in a while i think you need to break the shyness barrier, perhaps you should tell her you are very grateful for her company, but dont be clingy, by trying to make some one stay freinds with you you push them away, just act yourself, there is nothign else you can do.
Another thing that some ppl make mistakes in is they always try to drop hints about themselves, about who they believe they are inside, well the truth is, that can drive ppl away too, because your actions say otehrwise, and actions speak loader than words makeing you see mliek a lier, you will have to physically show her who you are, thats not to say you have to show her you can lift 250 pounds and arm wrestle eevry guy in the school. it just means you have to show her you are kind and generous.
good luck, i know how hard it is to break the shyness barrier;)

[welshguymikey]

Hi, Brian.



1) Smile. People like to see smiling faces.
2) Use her name. Don't just say, "Hi," but say "Hi, Susan" (or whatever her name is). People like to hear their names.
3) Ask about her interests. People like to talk about themselves. If there is something where you have a common interest so you can both talk about it, great. But even if there isn't, asking about her interests and you showing genuine interest in what she is talking about will help.
4) As pinktrance said, be yourself. If you try to change to fit what you think she might like you will be unhappy. You wouldn't be you.

Good luck!
just like to say i totally agree with this, compliment her but not too often or it seems fake

[Terry (existing)]

I believe that you are suffering from the same problem that ALL or almost all young people endure as they develop, I call it the,"how do they seem me syndrome"......It's simple enough, but devastating at times, and can ruin a perfect relationship before it gets off the ground....Yes, I suffered through it also, so I do speak from experience....Because of the excellent replies you have received to date, I had intended to overlook your post, feeling you have been given enough advice, and no more was required. I was wrong I see.How did I see that? Well from the way you signed off, I know you need more understanding of what was said, it didn't all sink in properly I suggest...
First of all, you sign of using the word "insecure"....Wrong word my friend, never say you are insecure, or even believe it. Words kill sometimes, and at other times they ruin a life, so they might as well kill....Do you feel insecure because others see you differently to how you see yourself? I think not, they see what you see, an insecure handicapped person who is not disposed to be friendly for some reason.....Oh yes, I imagine you are disinclined to be friendly because you expect to be rebuffed, but notice, nobody on this board treated you that way did they? Now I suggest you make a new start by using the right words to describe yourself. Begin by admitting that you still have much to learn about social skills, but that you are among the majority of those your age, so that makes you NORMAL doesn't it? Observe that you have the choice of being "HANDICAPPED" or of being "CHALLENGED". do I need to tell you the difference between those words? You exposed to us, the fact that you do see the difference between that which is EXTERNAL and that which is INTERAL, when you described the object of your affection, NOW apply it to yourself and see the real you.........When that happens, as happen it will if you choose the right words internally, you will find yourself well advanced in social skills without even haveing to think how to act in the presence of another. You will truly be yourself, because you see yourself as you choose to be, not as the think other see you.

[Shuriken]

Hello!

Matters seemed to work out rather nicely for our first meeting. Indeed, she's invited me to a get-together a few weeks from now. (It's also possible we may meet again privately before then.)

I probably shouldn't have worried too much. When I said she's lovely, I wasn't only referring to her physical attributes.

Still, a large part of my trouble is maintaining stable relationships. We'll see. . . .

Yours ever insecure,
BC
Whatever you do, [b]do not[/i] regurgiate what you read. I have always been an awkward kid up until these last two or so years in school. Then I started to wise up. I used to spit out everything I read on the internet and in books. Bad idea, seriously. If someone brings up a topic, sure, talk about it, but put it in your own words. Bringing up topics that are relatively 'esoteric' (hmm, not the right word, but thats as close as I can get) for most people will alienate them. They don't want to be impressed by your intellect (I assume you are intelligent, because isolated people generally are, I however, am just odd) they want to have fun with you.

That was my biggest problem. That, coupled with the problem that I don't drink, smoke, have any form of sex, or cuss. That worked out for my benefit in the long run though. That has nothing to do with the topic though, so I will leave before I really start to ramble.

Good luck,
Shuriken