girlfriend constantly worries

[MrDigital]

My girlfriend constantly worries about anything and everything. She said to me one day that she was worried about something and I asked what it was to which her reply was

"i'm worrying because I know there must be something to worry about but I don't know what it is yet!" :eek:

Whenever I speak to her about any issues she goes auto into "don't try that NLP stuff with me I don't want to talk about it". I have been applying different approaches and methods of getting information from her and managed to make a little breakthrough earlier today.

She was asking me if i was picking my children up later and I said I wasn't sure and she kept pushing me to find out and seemed agitated at the fact I was pretty laid back about it. I asked how she was feeling and she said "I just need to know whats happening, if i don't know it makes me feel sick inside". She continued " I don't want to change anything I like to plan what I am doing that's all but If I dont know whats happening it makes me ill".

I asked a few questions i.e where do you get the feeling is there any audio etc for submodalities and got a fair bit of information before she clammed up again, and I decided to leave it where it was for the time being. A bit later I asked her that rather than feel like that wouldn't she rather feel a sense of maybe confidence when that situation arises or relaxation at the fact she has the abilityt to plan etc.. She responded yes but some other time..

Question here is while I have the time to think about this situation do the experts think i'm on the right track and any advice is appreciated along the way...

[Terry (existing)]

Question here is while I have the time to think about this situation do the experts think i'm on the right track and any advice is appreciated along the way... NO you are not on the right track, you don;t have a clue. Not a nice thing to hear I know, but do you want the truth, or platitudes?
You seem to be playing with a mind that is not nomal to begin with, and you make it worse. Is that what you want to do? Mental problems should we dealt with by skilled persons, not amateurs, which you obviously are or you wouldn't need to ask us for advise.
Question is, while you have time to think about it. "Do you want your children exposed to this mind"? If so, guide her towards seeking proper help. If not, stop making things worse for her, you don't have that right. Haven't you heard that "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing"?

[MrDigital]

NO you are not on the right track, you don;t have a clue. Not a nice thing to hear I know, but do you want the truth, or platitudes?

I want peoples truths and i'm a big boy I can handle it thanks !
Out of interest how did you form the opinion I don't have a clue?

You seem to be playing with a mind that is not nomal to begin with, and you make it worse. Is that what you want to do? Mental problems should we dealt with by skilled persons, not amateurs,

You think by asking how a person feels you are playing with their mind??

What is your definition of normal???

I asked for advise because I realised it's heavy duty stuff and probably requires something more than I could offer, I think forums are for advice at times rather than diving in and being a Nlper! Makes me more proffessional IMO to ask for advise not amatuer..


Question is, while you have time to think about it. "Do you want your children exposed to this mind"? If so, guide her towards seeking proper help. If not, stop making things worse for her, you don't have that right.

What mind specifically?

Haven't you heard that "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing"?

No Never - but I did hear once that a faint heart never sh4gged a pig

Thanks

[Don]

Whenever I speak to her about any issues she goes auto into "don't try that NLP stuff with me I don't want to talk about it". I have been applying different approaches ...

Question here is while I have the time to think about this situation do the experts think i'm on the right track and any advice is appreciated along the way...

I have to agree with Terry. You are not on the right track.

Hypnotherapy and NLP are designed to help people who want to change. What part of her saying "don't try that NLP stuff with me" didn't you understand? What gives you the right to attempt to change her when she doesn't want to change?

The other thing is this: Doctors send their relatives to other doctors. Surgeons don't operate on the spouses. Psychiatrists don't treat their family. There are numerous reasons for this. Partly it is due to the fact that even these professionals aren't objective when it comes to the ones they love. Part of it has to do with the fact that if you become your partner's healer, your relationships as boyfriend/girlfriend changes. Part of it has to do with her seeing you as boyfriend, not healer.

My suggestion: BACK OFF! Do you want to be her boyfriend or her NLP practitioner. If you want to be her boyfriend love her and when she complains she is unhappy about the way she is, gently suggest that she might consider NLP, and when she's ready, you can connect her to a good practitioner.

If you love her, support her as she is and, if she wishes to change, support her in that effort. If you don't love her as she is, and try to manipulate her into being something she is not, why are you with her?

[MrDigital]

Thanks and i must state that I don't disagree with Terry I just find some people make quick judgements and I'm looking for advice.

I post for honest answers and respect the ones I have received. However, as terry suggested it is a delicate matter and I want to keep the thread alive in a positive light.

You know I never thought I might be coming across as the 'intefering type' as my Intent was to try and help. I also didn't think it would be difficult to 'put right' or at least ease the problem, that will probably get me shot on here :o .

In all honesty the thoughts have had an impact on me and I appreciate the effort taken by everyone who responds to this thread...

[Poodle]

I have news for you IF you are trained in NLP. It has changed dramatically and is now soft, warm, cozy and fuzzy and you don't say such things as "which mind specifically". That makes you a meta-muddler. Get current on your training nnnooowwww and leave people alone until they ask for help. NLP is now about attitude.

Could very well be that your girlfriend has a right to worry about everything because of YOU!

So far you have proved that you only know how to question wrongly and submodalities. Leave the submodalities alone unless she says something obvious like "I just can see it", "it's just too close" or "I can just hear it". Then you can play with them instead of a crap shoot in the dark.

NLP in the right hands is a wonderous thing but in others it can cause much damage.

[Terry (existing)]

You ask about my judgement, and that is fair, since all I have to go by is what you wrote. However, I have been in the business for almost forty years, and apart from that I relate very well to people.
Your post said it all, and you will note that it struck the same cord in Don, so it would seen that you disclosed enough for us both to make identical judgements. That is the problem when contacting a group of skilled interviewers, who are used to reading a client who is witholding information that we need, we read between the lines.
In all my years of practise, and as an executive member of the Hypnosis Society, I have only once taken it upon myself to ban a member, and that was for pestering someone to allow him to hypnotise her. Such is quite definitely a no no. You say you are big enough to take the truth, but judging by your reply, I wonder.
It matters not to me how YOU behave, but your post demands that I call you on how you treat someone else when I see a possible danger to that person based on your behaviour, so I am commenting as an ethical practitioner, and telling you you don;t have what it takes to help this lady. If you are correct in what you write, she is in dire need, but not from someone without the required skills.
As for keeping this thread going, if I as your doctor, tell you you have cancer, and the only treatement is xyz, do you see some need to keep the dialogue going? Do you suppose we should now tell you how to operate on yourself? I did not tell you you lack the skills required just to be nasty, it is so obvious to all who read your post, and I have no desire to continue along these lines. Sufficient that you know the lady needs to see a skilled practitioner is SHE chooses to do so, and that it is HER choice not yours. I suggest you let it go at that..

[MrDigital]

So far you have proved that you only know how to question wrongly and submodalities. Leave the submodalities alone unless she says something obvious like "I just can see it", "it's just too close" or "I can just hear it". Then you can play with them instead of a crap shoot in the dark.

I haven't proved anything Poodle ! However, i'll let you into a little secret..

I have posted on other forums In different formats and I have learned a considerable amount...

One thing I have learned on this particular site is - Be careful how you put yourself across or you'll be put in a box and labelled 'Faulty'...

Now back to my girlfriend who i love dearly - I have never tried NLP on her although I ask questions when she worries because I worry for her. What I have explained to her on many occasion is that I am only explaining techniques not trying to apply them and she is happy with that.

If in the process she decides to play about with her submodalities she may find she likes the results.

I will continue to read this very intresting Forum and post without fear of the anyone telling me how inferior I am to the (dare i say it) clique.

I am a permanent student Poddle so I need not get new trainings ..specifically.. I will just keep reading your extremely helpful posts and updating my maps LMAO..

[Don]

You know I never thought I might be coming across as the 'intefering type' as my Intent was to try and help.

What do you think "interfering" is?

From dictionary.com
Interfere:
1. to come into opposition, as one thing with another, esp. with the effect of hampering action or procedure (often fol. by with): Constant distractions interfere with work.
2. to take part in the affairs of others; meddle (often fol. by with or in): to interfere in another's life.
3. (of things) to strike against each other, or one against another, so as to hamper or hinder action; come into physical collision.
4. to interpose or intervene for a particular purpose.


You are opposing what she wants to do.
You are hampering her life
You are trying to take part in her affairs
You are meddling
You are trying to intervene for a particular purpose

That purpose: you think you know better. You think you know how she should be. You think you're superior.

You may deny all of these things because you are closely involved and can't see it. That's why I wrote earlier, back off and gently direct her to a professional.



I also didn't think it would be difficult to 'put right' or at least ease the problem, that will probably get me shot on here :o .

In all honesty the thoughts have had an impact on me and I appreciate the effort taken by everyone who responds to this thread...

What do you mean "put right?" Do you mean change her completely so she can be the way YOU want her to be? Right now, from what you've described, you see her behavior as a problem but she doesn't. It doesn't sound like she wants to change at all.

If and when she wants to change, direct her to someone who can help her. In the mean time, back off. I'm telling you this because if you don't, she's going to tire of your meddling and interfering and dump you and your superciliousness. Get a clue! You're not superior, you just have a different approach.

[MrDigital]

Terry thanks again for the comments however without being too 'META' as poodle politely snarled...

"Sufficient that you know the lady needs to see a skilled practitioner is SHE chooses to do so"

One of the things I was thinking was if she want to see a Practitioner if SHE chooses to do so then a practitioner of what ? NLP, Hypnosis, Timeline, CMT - which would people generally reccommend in their proffessional opinion of the limited info.

My trail of thought led me to beleive that if I could assist behind the scenes with her blessing, then wouldn't it be prudent to get the best possible help in the first place?

If the general consensu was she needs aromatherapy; I'm not going to ask YOU to help Tez if you get my drift, hence my reason for not wanting to just stop because you and Don have told me to..

[MrDigital]

Originally Posted by MrDigital
You know I never thought I might be coming across as the 'intefering type' as my Intent was to try and help.

I REFLECTED ON YOUR INPUT AND RESPONDED! However, now I have reflected I dont beleive I have intefered although I am passionate about and tend to bore her to death with it...

She's not sat on a chair shaking like a leaf all day smoking 100 fags and drinking vodka to calm her nerves you know. She just communicates that she doeasnt like the way she feels about a certain thing in her life and lives with it. I communicate that she doesn't have to feel like that, it is not neccessary if she doean't want to... She doesn't have to live with it.

Then what I did was put her in a somnambulistic state and told her to make me a pot of tea and only answer to me as yes m'lud with a Courtesy.

She said hello BTW

[Connie]

Hi, Mr.D. I don't see (read) anyone calling you "inferior" in this topic, that word came out of your own mind.

[MrDigital]

Yes connie it came from my mind..

I'm was asking the advice of the experts and came on here with that in 'mind'.

As I explained earlier I am not afraid to post what my 'mind' says if that gets me in 'deep water' then hey.

Accomodate - Assimilate - Equilibrate :)

[Connie]

Well, as a former "worry wart" myself, I can relate. You've gotten some great advice here, and insights (which I also call common sense), primarily: you can't change her if she doesn't want to change.

[MrDigital]

Yes and if anything, on reflection, I have always thought I would rather guide her than become her therapist as Don pointed out.

You know some great things come out of these threads even if the posters aren't conscious of it!

Thanks.

[skip]

"Question here is while I have the time to think about this situation do the experts think i'm on the right track and any advice is appreciated along the way..."

Well, asked and answered, right?

Trying not to sound preachy ...

Starting with the premise that trying to become an 'instant' therapast isnt rational, or feasable, or in this particular case desirable (you are too close to the problem); where do you go from here?

You want to fix her, or at least be of help, because you care for her.

I (or we collectively) can have no problem with that desire.

And it is from that basis I would seek common ground with you on how best to help, if that is OK with you.

First, the most obvious.

She must seek the help. She must be either dysfunctional to the point that she recognizes it, genuinely, and is motivated by the ills of the dyasunction, to seek change; or she must be sooo dysfunctional that she is eligible to be forcibly committed.

Now that is obviously a base line, but from no more than you have said, she doesnt appear to be at either point.

Yes the worrying bothers her, but not sufficently to seek help on her own.

And that is key.

I, you, she, has a right to our delusions, our excentricities, our dysfunctional behaviors; as long as they arent dangerous to others.

It is up to her to seek help, IF and WHEN she wants it. Only then do YOU have a right to "help", and that 'help' can really only extend to assisting, in the way requested, if she and or the therapast, chooses to include you in the process. And I suspect at some point they would.

Anything else is immoral, horribly invasive of her privacy, and waaaayyy out of bounds for dealing with someone you care for.

Now Im not accusing you, or blaming you. I believe I understand your situation.

This is a woman you love. She is apparently hurting, and you want to help. What could be more natural and loving?

Here is the hard part. Do you love her enough to do what IS best for her?

So lets return to the first point. She must become uncomfortable enough with the dysfunction, to want to seek help.

Do you deliberately seek to bring about situations that will result in her being uncomfortable, and thus eventualy seek help? Are you, the caring supportive individual, that manipulative?

Do you deliberately seek to help her avoid, and alleviate her discomfort and thus become an enabler?

Which of these specificaly are you looking into learning about how to use NLP or hypnosis, "in the background"
to 'help' accomplish? See I know you thought you were going to 'help' her, but this is the more likely result.


I know when put this way it 'sounds' terrible and in reality it is terrible. BUT Mr Digital, those are your only two alternatives, which were you planning to do?

I think your motivations are the highest. My suspicions are that you realy havent yet thought thru what it is that you are proposing to do.

What happens, when she decides, as a result of your 'background help', that you are a manipulative SOB, who invaded her privacy and messed with her mind, and leaves you?

Is that a forseeable outcome? And before you say "No.", ask yourself, "How many women are there, out there, who say exactly that?" You must realize she is already somewhat paranoid isnt she? Would it be far fetched to imagine her turning that worry habit towards you, and putting every action you make under the microscope? Once you become the 'evil empire' your hope of a good relationship just goes down the toilet.

Is the gain you seek worth that risk? Seems most likely to me that you are liable to bring about the very thing you wish to avoid.

And if you HAD been meddling, she would be right, wouldnt she?

So I appeal to you, out of your love and concern for her.

Dont mess with her.

If you need help, dealing with your tendencies to 'fix it', to rescue her, and others, hypnosis and or NLP would be of value to you.

When she decides to seek help, hypnosis and or nlp could be of immense help to her.

In the mean time...

You must decide, "Is this current behavior a 'show stopper'.", for you.

You must decide how far you will go with her if she doesn't seek help.

How far you will go with her if she does seek help.

What clear, fair, expectations you have that her behavior changes, and what will result if they dont. And what is a reasonable period of time for you to wait to percieve some positive changes before you are 'done'.

And if this unwanted behavior IS serious enough, you must communicate this to her. It is only fair.

Who knows, she might care enough for you, that this is the tipping point for her, and she seeks the help she needs. Or she might prefer the behavior to the relationship.

Or you may decide the behavior isnt that big a deal, and certainly isnt worth risking the relationship to ''fix'.

Now the fair question. What is the difference between my advice and manipulation?

In effect very little.

But the motivation is vastly different.

And the implementation is completely above board. You arent 'doing things' to change her without her permission, you are presenting her with what is acceptable to you, and what isnt. She chooses, based on what she wants, not on subtle manipiulation.

And lets face it, you only want her there, if she wants to be there. You do care for her right?

I hope that offers a more in depth perspective on the advice you were already given.

You were right, the people here are experts. I dont know where you went before, but anyone who offers you techniques to do, in this situation; isnt an expert. They may be an expert in NLP or hypnosis, but they are far from one in therapy, or relationships.

And I suspect that you really wanted more holistic advice than "Just slip this in her mind and tell her she has nothing to worry about anymore."

I admire your trying to help. I admire your standing up to the folks who werent giving you the answer you thought you wanted.

I have found, especially in relationships, the answer I usually want, isnt often the best answer. That really pisses me off!

cheers and the best to you and her,

skip

[MrDigital]

Do you deliberately seek to help her avoid, and alleviate her discomfort and thus become an enabler?


Skip,

Didn't realise how it made her feel until she finally said it. Now in situations where I can support her to alleviate the discomfort I will be more supportive.



I totally agree with what you have communicated 100% and Skip I thank you for your account of the situation and I really appreciate you taking the time to offer your advice.




MrD





"There is nothing noble in being superior to some other people. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self"

[Stoic]

I love it when you blow my mind away Skip!
*drool*

[tdiamond]

beautiful, compasionate, and as always right spot on.. missed you