confidence talking to women

[Unregistered]

Does anybody have a script for giving somebody confidence when talking to women? Normally this person is quite confident. He says when he talks to women he gets all flustered and clams up. He says he can not think of things to talk about. He does not want to bore women.

Anybody have a good script or method to deal with this?

[Unregistered]

This person would benefit by a hypotherapist, not a script.

[owaters]

Try developing your own script to work from. It's not as hard as you think. Make it simple and keep to the point.

Make a simple list of beneficial points to make in the script and then develop them to a dialogue.

Good luck ;)

[Unregistered]

Does anybody have a script for giving somebody confidence when talking to women? Normally this person is quite confident. He says when he talks to women he gets all flustered and clams up. He says he can not think of things to talk about. He does not want to bore women.

Anybody have a good script or method to deal with this?

Maybe he would be best off explaining this to the woman he wants to talk to. That would break the ice, show he wanted to talk to her enough to find a way of overcoming his problem, it displays emotion, encourages rapport, and hey, it's flattering that someone made the effort and thought you were worth it. If she rejects him it serves as proof that she's not worth talking to.

[Terry (existing)]

"This person is normally confident". Does that mean he rarely speaks to women, who are fifty percent of the population?

[Don]

The problem with a script is that the cause of his lack of confidence may not be covered in that script. In your preinduction talk you should discover the causes of his lack of confidence with women, and your training should let you develop suggestions that will help him deal with this. Of course, you also need to determine whether direct, indirect, or metaphoric suggestions will work best for him.

Whatever your determination, use what you learn in the preinduction to create the special script for your client.

[Jack]

Don has put his finger on the problem with any script. A script is usually direct suggestion and direct suggestion whilst useful is not IMO what hypnotherapy is about.As has been said it is only one part of the armoury. Before any direct suggestion is used there should be an attempt to find the cause of the problem. Now, occasionally a direct script will work in such a way that the cause is found and dealt with without any intervention from the therapist, but it is a little hit and miss.

So, if the problem is confidence with women there has to be a reason for the lack of confidence.Find that and within it are the seeds of a resolution. I ought to say that I am not a fan of written scripts simply because they encourage laziness, inneffectiveness and an inability to respond to the client at the time, but if you are a novice then ok.But try to get to the point where you are reacting to the client in a genuine and involved way, not just doing a voice-over.

Jack

[Don]

I just wanted to add to Jack's comment.

There are many books of scripts that are available ranging in appearance from cheap ebook or poorly-bound photocopies of typewriter pages to massive collections of scripts for every purpose under the sun. If, as Jack (and I) contend, scripts are hit and miss at best and the real goal is to understand the client and work with his or her individual and specific needs, why do hypnotherapists bother with these books? And the truth is, I have several and I would guess that Jack has some, too.

The answer is, they often provide wonderful keys. "Ah! I can see what someone else has used." You can see other people's approaches and what they claim worked for them. They can included ideas that can add to what you create. The can test your knowledge.

For example, recently I saw a stop-smoking script that was both wonderful and, IMO, all screwed up. It included a long list of common events, each ending with expressions like "stop smoking," "ex-smoker," etc. I would contend that these suggestion focus the person on smoking. But I liked the idea of rapid-fire statement of situations followed by positive suggestions. So I re-wrote the script.

When I get a client who is very literal, I use the technique of giving 25-50 descriptions of situation very quickly along with the suggestion that s/he is free of smoke in that situation. By giving them quickly, I believe that the unconscious absorbs it all in a blur, removing any aspects of the critical faculty that might remain even in a deep level of hypnosis (in my experience this faculty is not turned on/off like a light switch, but rather works like it has a dimmer switch attached...but that's another topic).

My point, however, is that I would not have been able to learn this--I would not have been able to use this technique on certain clients--if I had not read the script. Even so, I do not use the script as written.

So scripts, I believe, have a great value. They give you ideas, approaches, and, uh, suggestions as to ways to work with clients. Where they lose their value, IMO, is when they're slavishly followed.

Imagine, for a moment, that you pay several hundred dollars to someone to help you quit smoking, and basically all they do is read to you out of a book (at least, that is the appearance you will get). Seems like you wasted the money (you could have just bought the book yourself) and the suggestions may not hold.

[Finbar]

Hello,
I have a similar client who lacks confidence with women in part because is overweight (this is being addressed). He is otherwise a friendly, intelligent and verbal man. The thought of being with a woman to explore a possible relationship is terrifying! We are discussing using hypnosis to help with this problem. I am having him identify 2 or 3 of his neg. beliefs about himself. In a trance state I will suggest that he watch a viedo of himself in the trance (set the scene - comfortable easy chair etc and big screen TV). He will watch a movie of himself or someone like him approaching a woman and having a dialogue with her sans the neg. traits. In his imagination the date will be perfect! This will be a relaxing process with not much if any prompting from from me. Most of the work will go on in his mind. before I end the trance I will give him directions for self hypnosis and suggest he "practive" often and certainly just before a date.

This Idea has some elements of Dr. Terry Orlick's method for sports training where he has people imagine their event or game game in a relaxed state. in their mind they perform perfectly. His belief is that the body follows the mind. Research seems to agree. I believe the US women's soccor team trained with Orlick's method. Let me know what you think.:eek:

[Don]

The methodology of putting a person while in trance in a situation that would normally be stressful and increasing relaxation is frequently a good one. However, there is a difference between performing a physical activity or taking a test (this works good for text anxiety) and interacting with another person where anything can happen.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't use this approach, only that you might consider making it broader so that when the date isn't perfect he will still be calm, relaxed, comfortable, and feeling positive about the situation.

You didn't describe how you are dealing with his weight issues. Some people just work on losing the weight while others deal with the issues leading to the current weight. It is possible that there is an interaction between his weight and his difficulty in relationships. Perhaps they need to be dealt with together?

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

[Jack]

Seconded.

Jack

[Jack]

Hi Finbar,

I see what you are attempting with your client but...without wishing to be offensive or to decry someone else's methods do you think you might try to find out why your client has this problem with women? You mentioned the fatness, but fatness is not a reason or a cause it is just a symptom. Why is he fat? Because he eats all the pies? Why does he eat all the pies? What makes him want to eat all the pies and become fat and become unattractive to women? What else is lurking in his history? Let's have it out and kick the sh*t out of it.

Personally I would regress him faster than a ferret up the trouser leg. If I could curb my regrettable tendency to want to regress the world, I might even do an NLP fast phobia cure with the fear object as women; that could be revealing. The positive visualisations could then be used. Using visualisation without addressing the cause wouldn't work, for me, unless I was very, very lucky and the client solved his own problem without any help.

It's always like a series of Russian dolls, therapy. Don't you love it.:)

Jack

[Finbar]

Hi Jack,

I'm not at all offended and thanks for the remarks. I am working with this man with insight therapy to help him understand his insecurities and obesity and of course the relationship of the two. I've used hypnosis at various times in my career as a therapist and truthfully I've been very ambievelant but I keep going back to it every few years. Here I am again! I did have some formal training about 10 years ago. My interest was regenerated by a Cape Cod workshop this past summer. Could you please give me some references on "NLP fast phobia cure" ? I know nothing about NLP other than hearing the term bantered around from time to time. I'd like to do a little guided reading. Any suggestions for the novice:confused:

[Jack]

Hi Finbar,

Two sites you might find of use:

http://www.23nlpeople.com/phobia.htm
http://www.mindworks.uk.com/website/phobia.htm

The second one contains the fast phobia cure 'recipe'. As a technique it is ok but I would favour regression to cause and use fpc as second stop. If you don't have the experience for regression then by all means give fpc a try. It is unlikely that you will cause an abreaction, but you have to be prepared to deal with it if one occurs, so read as much as you can. You would find your work as a therapist much enhanced by taking a course in basic NLP and an advanced course in hypnotherapy including regression.

For any novice hypnotherapist out there reading this: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REGRESS ANYONE WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL TRAINING. if you ignore this rather loud but honest advice you will almost certainly cause problems for your subject and yourself. The pit becomes deeper as you dig.

If your client is anxious about his situation a free ebook on Stress at http://www.alphadynamics.com will help him come to terms with it.

Hope that helps.

Jack

[Pointer26]

Does anybody have a script for giving somebody confidence when talking to women? Normally this person is quite confident. He says when he talks to women he gets all flustered and clams up. He says he can not think of things to talk about. He does not want to bore women.

Anybody have a good script or method to deal with this?

Yeah, some guys who are quite confident can somehow lose their cool when trying to talk to girls. (I know the feeling.)

But check out this cool website http://www.guytalkstogirl.com

It's full of great tips on how to chat up the ladies with confidence.
(And even the girls get their own chat tips page! You guys might want to sneak a peek at that too.)