Being manipulated

[Unregistered]

I came to this board almost a year ago with what I though was an erectile dysfunction problem. I was having marital problems and eventually separated and divorced my wife.
I asked for advice here and found a good hypnotherapist in my area who helped me overcome my problem. It was not erectile dysfunction it was psychological.
Now I believe my ex-wife is using the kids to manipulate me and need your opinions. I live about 45 miles from her and the kids. I get the kids every other weekend. They are 11 and 9 years old. My eleven year old son was failing in school and my ex's attitude is that she went through sixth grade once and she won't do it again by doing his homework for him.
I work two jobs to help pay the child support, but I contacted the school counselors and asked them to talk with both of the kids to see if they had issues that they could not talk to us about. I also called their teachers and got their email addresses and put together a plan to get my son back on track.
When he received his grades he had A's, B's, and C's with no failing marks. He is now starting to slack again. I cannot get his mother to follow up on his home work and make sure he is doing the things he is supposed to do.
She has a new boyfriend that lives with them now who was in a forensic psych unit and eventually sent back to jail. She was actually a nurse where he was a patient.
Several months ago I asked her if she would watch the kids for a weekend that they were supposed to be with me because I had an old college buddy coming in town I had not seen in years. I had the kids the previous three weekends in a row. Two days before he arrived I reminded her and she said she made plans and could not do it. Luckily I had made backup plans because I thought this might happen.
She called me today and asked me a favor. She needs to fly out of town for a job interview. She needs me to drive 45 miles to pick the kids up from school get up the next morning and drive them back down to school. I work a third shift job plus have an afternoon part-time job. I would have to take them to school in the morning having not had any sleep.
I reminded her of how she did me and asked that she show me the same courtesy in the future and told her I would help.
The kicker is that everytime I call the house to check on the kids her boyfriend answers the phone and I am wondering why he doesn't help her. She still relies on me to bail her out of tight spots and I don't think I should anymore. That's one reason why I didn't want to be with her in the first place. She makes a mess and wants me to clean it up. It's hard to say no because I start to feel guilty.
When I called today to check to see if my son had done all his work that is past due and his teachers keep emailing me about, he was being distracted by his mom playing with him. I feel like she is making me be the bad guy and she earns "points" by playing with the kids and having fun.
What do you think? Should I start saying no? I don't want to get into arguments with her. Although I don't think I am completely over our divorce, I do not want her anymore.

[Obi Wan]

While I know this is a hypnosis board, My opinion is to get a good marriage and Family Therapist someone who is trained in Strategic Therapy, Family therapy especially Strategic therapy, which was created by Jay Haley a student of Milton Erickson the father of Modern Hypnosis, will work. There is a lot of hypnosis in Strategic Therapy and it, like hypnosis, is a short term, outcome oriented therapy. The American association of Marriage and Family Therapy has a website.... AAMFT.org

[Annie]

two suggestions :
1. How about you and your wife availing yourselves of a recommended outcome-oriented " Marriage and Family Therapist "
and
2. especially as it regards *your children*, you have asked "school"-authorities to intervene on their behalf : " I contacted the school counselors and asked them to talk with both of the kids to see if they had issues that they could not talk to us about. " -

It is so very very important that a child is provided the kind of *open Communications/Relationship* with either/both of their parents so that no matter what is on their minds they feel free enough to approach either/both of you about anything at all, especially as they encounter challenges, fears, issues, or what-have-you.


and then, you said : " Several months ago I asked her if she would watch the kids for a weekend that they were supposed to be with me because I had an old college buddy coming in town I had not seen in years. I had the kids the previous three weekends in a row. "

Hopefully you already know this, but " Raising a child " isn't just a matter of feeding, clothing, and "watching the kids". Do you *thoroughly enjoy* being able to spend whatever precious moments of your time with either/both of them ? Love them deeply, cherish them, hold them ever close in your heart.

Imagine yourself in the shoes of your son, now. Do you have any idea what he is thinking ? What he is feeling ? Many children feel "guilty" when their family splits up, like maybe they did something wrong, to cause it.

I wish all of you the very Best.

I can not say it enough :
Please bless your children with *all of the Loving, caring, positive, FUN attention* that you would want yourself, were you still a little boy (in fact, inside yourself, you can most likely find a little boy, too: bless him, yourself, with *all of the Loving, caring, positive, FUN attention* as well) - Go ahead, you'll like it :) , and Your children deserve, and need, the SAME from you, every day SAME as the food you provide for their little tummies !


Annie

[skip]

Dear Manipulated,

Someone once said, "The difference between true love and herpes, is that herpes lasts forever." Well divorce lasts forever too.

You and your wife decided to end your married relationship, for the reasons you felt were appropriate. What you might not have realized, is that your relationship with her does not end. Now you are defining how the relationship between the two of you is going to work, until such time as one of you is dead. Because you have children in common, she will be a part of your life from now on, and you of hers.

When viewed from this perspective, that you two are defining your new relationship, you can begin to see how it is an opportunity, as well as a difficulty. The way you thought about her as your wife doesnt work anymore, and the way she percieved you, doesnt work for her either.

I would agree that seeking a family therapast is a good idea, it might even be a critical one. Either way, you must sort out for yourself, what is most important to you in this, and work from that perspective.

If your kids and their welfare are number one, then you could consider moving back closer, and you might offer to take on more and more of the responsibility for the kids, and eventually ask the court for a change in status of custody, to joint or sole custody, on your part. And yes I know working two jobs, and trying to have time for your kids and having any sort of life for yourself is tough. Way tough. But it isnt impossible, it just seems that way.

You cannot control what she says to the children, or what light she presents your actions to them in. It is unfortunate for all of you, if she chooses to use the children as a weapon, but ultimately that will back fire on her. You will just have to be consistant, and resolute in your efforts with your children, and they will gradually come to realize the truth. This is a long haul, and performance will prove out over words, it may take a while, years, but stamina is what raising kids is about anyway, isnt it?

I wish you well, and I would suggest two books, "Crazy Time" Abigale Trafford (used on Amazon for $2.00) and "Love Must Be Tough" James Dobson (not to be confused with "Tough Love" by the same author) Both of these books will help you understand the dynamics you are going thru, AND the Dobson book will help you with a strategy for redefining the relationship. Ill warn you, Dobson's aim is to put the relationship back together, and I recognize that isnt yours. It is his perspective on defining a new relationship, and how he suggests going about it, that is pure gold. You can choose whatever kind of relationship you want to have.

I wish you well

[Unregistered]

Just for clarification. I enjoy being with my children not just "watching" them. I wish I could spend more time with them.
The reason I live so far away is my job. It is actually another 15 miles farther than where I live.
I have joint legal custody, but my ex has sole physical custody. I love my kids more than anything, but it seems as though we have less and less to say to each other.
It seems as though they feel like they could be with me or not, like it doesn't really matter to them.
I tell them all the time they can talk to me about anything but they never do.
What I want is a decent relationship with my ex. Her support and help with disciplining the children, any favors limited to if it is for the good of the kids.
Does anyone think I should do her the favor she asked? Will hypnosis reinforcing assertiveness (not aggressiveness) help? I have scheduled an appointment with a family therapist familiar with our situation ( she provided marriage counseling for us) for insight.

Thanks

[Don]

Please remember the following is just my opinion. I am not a psychologist or licensed psychiatrist.

The problem as I see it is not with you needing to be more assertive. The problem is that the responsibilities and boundaries that should have been set up have not been established. Those that have been accepted by both of you (although not in any formal way) are wavering and changing on both sides. Without understanding boundaries and responsibilities, both of you seem to be looking to change and modify things without firmly understanding what it is you want to change and modify.

Why I would respectfully suggest is that you make lists of all of the things you want to see done and limited.

You should have columns reading:
My Responsibilities & Boundaries
Her Responsibilities & Boundaries
Our Responsibilities & Boundaries
Our Children's Responsibilities & Boundaries

Make copies for everyone.
Be open to change on them, but know where you will stand your ground
Make no accusations about the past and non judgements--look to the future

Now, I feel it fair to be a bit harsh for a moment. From what you have posted, you and your ex-wife seem to be using your children as balls in a game between each of you. You say you wish you could spend more time with your children but you have a job that keeps you away.

It's not their fault that you and your ex-wife have an unclear relationship, but as is shown by their "I don't care if I see you or not" attitude and the bad grades, they are suffering. My guess is that if you really delved into it they might be having other problems with socialization, too, perhaps getting into fights or being overweight or antisocial.

Remember, please, that I have no counseling authority and I don't know you. I'm sorry that your job keeps you way. Now, think of what's best for the children. Because you and your ex-wife didn't make it as a couple, in my opinion, does not mean you have the right to make your children suffer. Get a job closer to your children. Spend more time with them. Spend silly time. Spend quality time. Will you earn less? Maybe. Maybe you'll have to get another job. Until your kids are 18 they're you're responsibility.

Think of them as if they are a car. A car doesn't care where you work. A car doesn't care about anything other than do you take care of it and give it what it needs to operate properly. Are you giving your children what they need to operate properly? From your posts it sounds to me like you are trying but not succeeding.

Should your ex-wife be thinking in the same terms? Absolutely. But she is not here so I can't tell her this stuff. I can't tell her, like I'm telling you, that I don't care about your job, your friends, your holidays, or whatever. What matters is that when you had children you decided to give them your best. They're not dogs that you can put in a kennel because you'd like to get away for a couple of days.

Sometimes people who have children are not fully aware of the responsibilities they have taken on. It's amazing to me that people have to take a test, practice for months, and then take more tests to be able to drive a car, but all they have to do to have children is have sex.

Going to the family therapist is a good start, and I really do wish you all the best in the world. I honestly do. But unfortunately, for the next several years, that means your children must come first. I would urge you to consider not thinking about whether to do a favor for you wife because she would or would not do one for you. For the next several years the question is not which of you did what to who. Rather, it is "What is the best for our children?"

I'm sorry if this sounded harsh. The very fact that you are looking for assistance is good. I can't and won't say "You're a bad person" because you clearly are a good person. You just haven't had the training or tools to know about the responsibilites and boundaries issues, as well as the responsibility you have for your children.

I love animals. I love cats, dogs, fish, reptiles, gerbils, mice, etc. I always had them growing up. I love playing with the pets of friends. I love animals so much that I don't have any. I travel a great deal and couldn't give them the time they deserve. If I had pets I would have to stay with them, especially during their growing period.

Good luck with the counseling.

[Unregistered]

It's not harsh, it's the truth and I appreciate it.

[Annie]

Hello,

I'm glad you felt you got " Good things " from Don and Skip.

In particular, I am glad you didn't think that Don was "harsh" with you because I don't think he was, either. I thought so highly of Don's words that I chose to take an excerpt of what he shared with you and paste it here, at the bottom of yet * another perspective * you may want to consider :

As a parent, of a very lovely daughter, myself I would just add another perspective : Prior, through, and beyond all of the inherent parental responsibilities, you can make as well a *choice* (because truely that's what any of Life is, you know :)) of thinking of your few short years with your children as just * the most delightful of pleasures *. (and yes, I chose to live that as a "single"-parent, also; so these are not just idle words, but spoken from each of the experiences I chose to create.
True, I did make 1 mistake : doing EVERY-thing myself, instead of relying on other people more )

Yet, what if you were to Look at the phenomenal opportuntiies you have chosen to avail yourself of :
1. Creating (that's the sexy start ) and
2. Imprinting your children with the Finest of skills : in beliefs ... attitudes ... abilities ... skills ... self-esteem/confidence ... positive creative potentials ... : do you understand what I am sharing with you, here ?
Just
as 1 tiny example (since you mentioned 2 jobs) : I chose to take a cut in pay by 50 ! % as a nurse/teacher, in order for us to share in the upportunity to * UNschool = which is what my daughter wanted ), and she graduated from College with honors, at the age of 17. and now at 19, she has designed, and is operating her own Business, continuing her fun and living her bliss ...

Now, true : much of the " imprinting " is already done by the time a child is Born, or at least by the time they're outa diapers, and beginning to be conversant. But, at no time is it too late to change anything for the Better, or for the Best. So - what I am as well adding is : Parenthood isn't just about " Responsibilities &/or Boundaries " : that makes it sound more like " more WORK, and pehaps self-sacrificial drudgery ".

What if you were to think of this time in your life as just *sheer pleasure, helping your children discover the world, its beauty, and how you can facilitate their development and growth in the most delightful fun, Yes FUN ! :D ways ... anyways, that is how I regarded my opportunity as a parent. I actually planned *how I would parent* for the 17 years prior to my choosing to conceive. It meant that much to me . And with the exception of my ending it as a "single" parent, I would like nothing better than to repeat this process at least 4 more times, even as chronologically - I am now in my 50's. I loved as well * Birthing * : what a beautifully serene joy that can be !

I dearly, dearly *luv*'ed every minute of those 19 years; tho as my current best friend says " Hey Annie, now that you've been Honorably discharged from Active duty, you are still *on duty, in the Reserves*, lol ... ain't it grand ! " ... and yes, really,
Parenthood is a life-time vocation, did you know ? :)

You & your wife, together can as well enjoy it as such a blessing, if you choose; and your children will be richly blessed for it. so, what will the Both of you choose " for the best of your children, from here on out ... " ??

Like Don, I wish you 4 dear people ALL the best, as well :)


Annie

~~~







I think the following excerpt of words Don shared with you were just * spot on * as far as your " parental responsibility " is concerned : " Spend more time with your children. Spend silly time. Spend quality time. Will you earn less? Maybe. Maybe you'll have to get another job. Until your kids are 18 they're you're responsibility.

Should your ex-wife be thinking in the same terms? Absolutely. But she is not here so I can't tell her this stuff. I can't tell her, like I'm telling you, that I don't care about your job, your friends, your holidays, or whatever. What matters is that when you had children you decided to give them your best. They're not dogs that you can put in a kennel because you'd like to get away for a couple of days.

Sometimes people who have children are not fully aware of the responsibilities they have taken on. It's amazing to me that people have to take a test, practice for months, and then take more tests to be able to drive a car, but all they have to do to have children is have sex.

Going to the family therapist is a good start, and I really do wish you all the best in the world. I honestly do. But unfortunately, for the next several years, that means your children must come first. I would urge you to consider not thinking about whether to do a favor for you wife because she would or would not do one for you. For the next several years the question is not which of you did what to who. Rather, it is "What is the best for our children?"

I love animals. I love cats, dogs, fish, reptiles, gerbils, mice, etc. I always had them growing up. I love playing with the pets of friends. I love animals so much that I don't have any. I travel a great deal and couldn't give them the time they deserve. If I had pets I would have to stay with them, especially during their growing period. "

[Unregistered]

I spoke with my ex today and we set some guidelines. I mainly asked her for more support with my son in the form of checking his homework and following up with his teachers.
I will make it a point to spend more time with both of our children. She and the kids may be moving to Virginia soon. We all are currently in Georgia. If she does not move I told her and the kids I will look for a 1st shift job closer to them. If they do move I will at least look for a 1st shift job so that they can spend summers, spring breaks, and any other breaks they want with me.
I apologized to both the kids for not telling my friend to pick a weekend that the kids were not with me and it won't happen again.
She and I agreed that any decisions we make will be in the best interest of the kids. I will not ask her for favors and she will not ask me for favors unless it is for the sake of the kids.
We also agreed to communicate more about the kids needs. And I also asked that she periodically check to see if the kids have talked to me lately so that I don't call her house so often. Although I don't want a romantic relationship with her it is still a little weird calling the house and another man answers the phone. I still have to get used to that one.
I want to thank you all so much for your input. I know it's still not going to be easy but I feel like I have a better chance to succeed in raising the children, having a cordial relationship with my ex-wife, and build good lasting memories with out kids.

[Annie]

You know, it was really great ! for you to have come here, asking for different positive opinions, recommendations & suggestions ... and Look : you followed up, and it already seems to be turning into a more positive direction, one which can continue improving as * Both of you together keep communications honestly Open, and benevolently caring - for everyone's benefit * :)

Who knows, how well this might yet all turn out - for the 4 of you, as well as beyond !

Take Good care, in continuing being * a FUN healthy role-model * for your precious beautiful children :D


Annie

[Don]

It sounds like you have made a great start...I would still suggest seeing a counselor who may be able to give you some more skills.

[Unregistered]

This is a common situation with divorced or separated parents. This isn't about control or who's right or wrong. It's about all the feelings that are left behind following the break up of your marriage. Both of you have equal responsibility to ensure your children are cared for.

I realise that this is a well used piece of advice but it applies here if what you say is true and you really, trulay want to have the kind of responsible relationship that will be productive for your kids. Talk to your wife and tell her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the kids are supported through school to keep them focused and that she has a large part to play in those exercises too. Accept the fact that her boyfriend may not want to have much to do with the kids, as long as they are safe and looked after you have no real axes to grind there. I can't comment on his beliefs regarding the children or on your wife's either as I have not seen or heard what their views are. It all comes down to this, if you continue to demonstrate congruent behaviour to both your kids and your ex-wife they will eventually realise that you have their best interests at heart and may very well take some of the responsibility back and improve on their own.

Hope this helps and keep well.
Martin



I came to this board almost a year ago with what I though was an erectile dysfunction problem. I was having marital problems and eventually separated and divorced my wife.
I asked for advice here and found a good hypnotherapist in my area who helped me overcome my problem. It was not erectile dysfunction it was psychological.
Now I believe my ex-wife is using the kids to manipulate me and need your opinions. I live about 45 miles from her and the kids. I get the kids every other weekend. They are 11 and 9 years old. My eleven year old son was failing in school and my ex's attitude is that she went through sixth grade once and she won't do it again by doing his homework for him.
I work two jobs to help pay the child support, but I contacted the school counselors and asked them to talk with both of the kids to see if they had issues that they could not talk to us about. I also called their teachers and got their email addresses and put together a plan to get my son back on track.
When he received his grades he had A's, B's, and C's with no failing marks. He is now starting to slack again. I cannot get his mother to follow up on his home work and make sure he is doing the things he is supposed to do.
She has a new boyfriend that lives with them now who was in a forensic psych unit and eventually sent back to jail. She was actually a nurse where he was a patient.
Several months ago I asked her if she would watch the kids for a weekend that they were supposed to be with me because I had an old college buddy coming in town I had not seen in years. I had the kids the previous three weekends in a row. Two days before he arrived I reminded her and she said she made plans and could not do it. Luckily I had made backup plans because I thought this might happen.
She called me today and asked me a favor. She needs to fly out of town for a job interview. She needs me to drive 45 miles to pick the kids up from school get up the next morning and drive them back down to school. I work a third shift job plus have an afternoon part-time job. I would have to take them to school in the morning having not had any sleep.
I reminded her of how she did me and asked that she show me the same courtesy in the future and told her I would help.
The kicker is that everytime I call the house to check on the kids her boyfriend answers the phone and I am wondering why he doesn't help her. She still relies on me to bail her out of tight spots and I don't think I should anymore. That's one reason why I didn't want to be with her in the first place. She makes a mess and wants me to clean it up. It's hard to say no because I start to feel guilty.
When I called today to check to see if my son had done all his work that is past due and his teachers keep emailing me about, he was being distracted by his mom playing with him. I feel like she is making me be the bad guy and she earns "points" by playing with the kids and having fun.
What do you think? Should I start saying no? I don't want to get into arguments with her. Although I don't think I am completely over our divorce, I do not want her anymore.

[Unregistered-1]

I live in Georgia also and would love for you to give me the name of the hypnostist that helped you with your problem. I could use his help also. Please email me the hypnotists name and how to get in touch or have the hypnotist email me. My email address is gadogman@yahoo.com. Thank you for any help you can give me.