How do I deal with this.

[Mike12345]

I did something a few times awhile back that I regret. It's gross and is probably the single biggest thing I regret ( I'm only 18 so I haven't had that many big events). Anyways the regret isn't that I did it, it's that I'm going to feel obligated to tell my future wife or serious girlfriend once I get one. Does the fact that I did it gross me out? Yes. But that's not whats bugging me. I'm afraid that when I get a girlfriend this will be knawing at me constantly. I don't want to ruin a relationship for something stupid I did when I was a younger teenager. Does anybody have some advice?

[skip]

Yes, dont tell.

Forgive yourself and go on.

I dare say, all of us, have at one time or another done things of which we arent very proud.

Do not compound your foolishness by broadcasting it to the world. It wouldnt serve any good purpose. And especially dont make the mistake of thinking that a significant other needs to know, or would even want to know, every little thought or action you have ever taken.

The only caveat is if it would jeapordize someones health, if you didnt, then you are obligated to tell.

skip

[Cassandra 8]

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
he who can call today his own:
he who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today.

Be fair or foul, or rain or shine
the joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not Heaven itself, upon the past has power,
but what has been, has been, and I have had my hour.


No one can change yesterday; it's all locked up safe and private so you needn't stand guard over it.

[Merlin]

>I did something a few times awhile back that I regret.

Whoops :(

>I'm afraid that when I get a girlfriend this will be knawing at me constantly. I don't want to ruin a relationship for something stupid I did when I was a younger teenager. Does anybody have some advice?

Can it harm her?
If so, you'll be obligated to share.

Otherwise, forgiveness is the answer. Forgiveness and repentance.

Forgive yourself and anyone else involved.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself.
Repentance means you purpose to learn your lesson and not screw up like this again.

[Simple Guy]

Guest,

Learn from what you did and as it is something you regret (you used the
word "gross"), don't do it again. Unless it is important for someone
else's well-being you aren't under obligation to divulge this to your future wife
or serious girlfriend. If telling your future partner could ruin a good relationship between
the two of you, why do so?

[Mike12345]

Thanks, I just believe in having a totally open relationship with marraige. Is keeping back something I did as a teenager not having an open relationship? This is the only thing i'm reluctant to keep back and it would in no way hurt anybody.

[TaffyE]

Thanks, I just believe in having a totally open relationship with marraige. Is keeping back something I did as a teenager not having an open relationship? This is the only thing i'm reluctant to keep back and it would in no way hurt anybody.

Correct me if I am wrong:-
Despite the advice you've been given, it almost sounds as though you want are secretly pleased about it, even want to boast a little.

[Terry (existing)]

Ah the benifit to Catholics of the confessional (EG)

[skip]

So Mike,

When she asks, "Do you think I am fat?"

What are you going to say with your totally open relationship?

When you wonder if her former boyfriend is a better lover than you are, do you really want the honest answer?

Always tell the truth, unless you are going to hurt someone, for no good reason, with it.

Ideals are great unless they dont make good sense.

[Simple Guy]

Guest,

Desiring an honest relationship is admirable, but it doesn't mean that all
history, thoughts, feelings should be shared between partners. We use
discretion proportionate to whatever levels of wisdom, discernment and
kindness we possess--in all of our relationships. When those traits are
insufficient, relationships suffer.

[Mike4321]

Thanks that was some good advice, but what if you cheated on your wife telling her would ruin your marraige but wouldn't you still want to tell her?

[Mike4321]

Simple Guy could you please explain what you mean by using descretion proportionally to wisdom...etc?

[Simple Guy]

Mike,

Confession can be good for the soul (psyche) but bad for a marriage. Terry
brought up the value of confession as practiced within the Catholic faith.
It's good to have people in our lives that are worthy of the trust we put
in them when we "confess" to what we see as shortcomings. At times,
these people are not the same ones that we are in intimate relationships
with.

[Simple Guy]

Mike,

With life experiences, those that bother to learn from them (as I imagine
you do and will continue to as you ask some very mature questions), acquire
better skills in assessing and responding to relationships. No one is perfect
and great and soured relationships (and those somewhere in between)
provide feedback that can assist us in improving ourselves. I hope this
answers your question.

[Cassandra 8]

Thanks that was some good advice, but what if you cheated on your wife telling her would ruin your marraige but wouldn't you still want to tell her?Believe me, your future spouse will have plenty you'd rather not discover if she has a normal, inventive imagination.... :rolleyes:

[Mike4321]

Thanks Simple Guy that makes a lot more sense. This support really helped me a lot.

If you did something similar during marriage do you think the obligations would change?

[skip]

Dont do it.

If you have to do something that would be that hurtful to the other person when you are in a relationship you owe it to both them and yourself to get out of the relationship first.

Then at least you still have your honor.

skip

[Simple Guy]

Mike,

You're welcome. Your question about "something similar during marriage"
only adds to what possibly may be a more present concern with whether
it is hurtful to the doer and a wife, who is presumably a bystander. I share
Skip's sentiment: "Don't do it," if it is hurtful.

[Mike4321]

Simple Guy I'm just throwing out what ifs. Just curious if your opinion on doing something similar during marriage would change your obligations to tell her.

[Simple Guy]

Mike,

I don't think it would my change my obligations to tell her. Again, though,
safety and well-being of self and others is paramount.

[skip]

Mike,

Do you know what "Talking to you like a Dutch Uncle means?"

I get the sense that you, in playing your 'what if' game, are beginning to stray from a genuine question ,to one of those endlass, "Yea, but what if ..." deals I used to participate in, back in the dark ages, when I was in college, and stoned. Somehow it seemed more important than going to class. :)

So in a effort to short cut that, for you, Ill offer you a few things.

There are no absolutes, especially in morals and ethics. I hate it, I despise situation ethics, but it is the best we have. The reason it is the best we have, is that you can always dream up a scenerio, where the absolute fails to be the best response.

You cannot buy absolution. The Catholic church used to sell 'indulgences', which meant that they sold forgiveness for crimes that were being contemplated, and not yet commited. Trying to sort out 'what if's" is very much like trying to buy an indulgence. I think it is good to think about these things, but when the focus becomes looking for loopholes or exceptions, then you have begun to look in the wrong direction.

We have many many laws that supposedly define moral and ethical behavior in various types of relationships. If you NEED them to guide your morality and ethics, you have already failed.

I have a moral philosophy that allows me to do anything I wish. The catch to it, is that I have to be willing to take full and absolute responsibility for my actions and their results. If I speed, and I do, if I am caught, I do not play at excuses, I fully admit my guilt, and ask that full punishment be meeted out.

That's really all you need. Some people think it is irresponsible of me. They say, "You have no rules!" I look at the results, and the results are that I am generally more ethical and moral than my 'law abiding' friends. Jesus' story is an excellent metaphor. Jesus said there need only be one law, "Do unto others ..." That is situational ethics, and it offended the scribes and pharasees, who looked for loopholes in the law, and absolutes. Enough said.

I would suggest to you, that if you consider it, you already knew the answer to both of your questions. If you are willing to take full responsibility for hurting someone you supposedly love, needlessly, and to destroy, both her and your relationship, and to negatively effect those lives, that are perfierally involved, then by all means go ahead and do whatever it is, or tell whatever you want to.

But please dont play "Im going to live my life unethically, but I want you to help me, to be ethical, about the consequences." games. If you are unethical and immoral, you wont care who you hurt, if you are ethical and moral, the questions generally dont arise, and when one does, you find, in your own heart the right thing to do.

Trust yourself, and if you cannot, then all the rules and advice in the world will not help.

cheers,

skip

[Mike4321]

Thanks again, I should have just stopped with the questions. I wouldn't think of doing this again. Some people said that if it will save the marriage then why tell her? But in the instance of cheating I would consider it different. I see how there are no absolutes and you just have to deal with stuff as it comes.

I will take my original advice and use it because it was very helpful. No need to worry about the other questions as I wasn't seriously contemplating just looking for opinions. To see how other people felt. If anything it made me realize how I should judge my obligations based on how I feel not people on this board.

[Charlie]

Ah the benifit to Catholics of the confessional (EG)

And to comedians as well.

http://forum.hypnosis.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

(may your God go with you.....)

http://forum.hypnosis.com/images/icons/icon3.gif

[Cassandra 8]

Thanks again, I should have just stopped with the questions. I wouldn't think of doing this again. Some people said that if it will save the marriage then why tell her? But in the instance of cheating I would consider it different. I see how there are no absolutes and you just have to deal with stuff as it comes.

I will take my original advice and use it because it was very helpful. No need to worry about the other questions as I wasn't seriously contemplating just looking for opinions. To see how other people felt. If anything it made me realize how I should judge my obligations based on how I feel not people on this board.That's the spirit!

Look forward to the future. It's all there for you. Grasp it with both hands and NEVER let go. Ever.

[Shlomo_NLP]

how would you feel ifyou could lose the memory of it alltogether? would it serve you?

[Pdrive]

Just out of curiosity guys (and I know this is a sensitive issue, but please dont flame me), where is the line drawn for the whole therapy through webboard thing?

It sounds like Mike has gotten something really positive out of this thread, which is great.

Many others haven't been so fortunate, and I understand its often in the way a guest phrases thier question, but is there any other way you decide to... do what you do and help?

Respectfully

Pdrive

[Don]

It is unethical to give therapy on this (or any other webboard) for a variety of reasons:

1) Because we cannot observe a client, we cannot get non-written information
2) We cannot ask appropriate questions to discover it a client is actually accurately describing a situation or has secondary or tertiary benefits which need to be dealt with.
3) Hypnotists and NLP practitioners have numerous skills and techniques at their fingertips. This is necessary because something that might work with one person might not work for another. Using one technique might not only be ineffective, but might have deleterious results.

So what can we do? We can give generalized positive concepts: forgive yourself and others, be honest, etc. HOW a client applies the generalized concepts to his or her situation is left open to the client. Some people may find this of benefit. Others may be pissed off because we don't
1) Teach him/her self-hypnosis
2) Give a suggestion that will save their life, help them make a billion dollars, and have every person of the opposite gender fall instantly in love with them.

I hope this clarifies what we can and cannot do.

[Simple Guy]

Pdrive,

Your question is a good one, though I wonder why it comes in the midst
of this thread. Don's reply, I think, answered the question nicely. People
often get positive things here despite this not being a therapeutic
vehicle, because there are caring participants that take the time to
lend a helping hand via sharing insights, knowledge and their own personal
experiences.

Sometimes people don't get what they want here because what they
want is outside of the scope of this board. There are those that feel
frustrated or annoyed by this. So be it. No forum can be all things to
all people.

[Terry (existing)]

The two replies prior to this seem to say it all, except perhaps why we put ourselves out more for some questions than for others. Here I suggest we have a matter of perception. First, can we be of help in this matter as we understand the question? Secondly, is the question posed in such a manner as to indicate a willingness to help oneself?You see, we all have an agenda, and for some, it is limited to a willingness to be helpfull if it seems likely that our help will be usefull and valued by the poster. Dumb questions get dumb answers as a general rule. We make judgements naturally, but these should be expected and not resented. After all it is our time and knowledge we are contributing, and if a poster is unhappy with the replies they get, it would be better they accept that the question was not properly posed to deserve a better reply...If my time is spent on this board, instead of used as it once was, in earning a high hourly rate, does that mean that my skills are less when I donate them for free, as against when I am earning money from them? When a poster gets angry because the reply they got was not what they expected, it proves that they place no value on our time and knowledge, so we are affirmed in our original reading, while you will often see us apologise if the poster replies in such a manner as to indicate the we misread them the first time. I owe nothing to anyone on this board, but I do owe myself honesty and truth as I see it. You get what you see, and you can like, it or not as you wish, but it's all me, and my replies are based on experience over many years of practise, and observations of hundreds of people and their reactions....This is what I have to offer, along with my practised skills, and they are given freely if I believe they will help. When I feel someone is wasting my time I resent it and say so, it's the Irish in me (G)