Being around negative people

[moe]

Ok , you were down, and picking up on your positive side
but
there're negative people around ( co-workers , family members ) that are quite depressed , you can almost feel negativity coming out of them when you're in their presence

how do you deal with that on your personal level so that they don't affect you ?

disassociate them with negative emotions and try to associate them with postive one's ?
or what ?

any suggestion is apperciated

Thanks

[Simple Guy]

Moe,

I use hypnosis, NLP, meditation and a variety of positive lifestyle
activities to offset negativity from others. I also choose to
surround myself, personally, with some very positively charged
friends and acquaintances. I can't say that there is no negative
affect of others upon me, but I can tell you that where there is
an affect it is a whole lot less than it otherwise would be.

[Don]

There are really two aspects to what you are asking: What can you do for them and what can you do for yourself.

For those other people, my guess is that they either don't want to change or aren't even aware of their negativity. Just as a person who comes to a hypnotherapist, each person needs to be treated individually and not as part of "them." By treating them as a "them" rather than individuals, anything you might try to do will only work for some rather than all, leading to frustration and failure on your part. If they want to change, help them with your skills.

But the other aspect is what you can do for yourself to protect yourself from the negativity. That is a topic which is far too complex to discuss in a forum of this type. I'd suggest the book The Middle Pillar by Israel Regardie, edited by Cicero and Cicero.

[Hypnomania]

Well if they want to change then I would try to help them. If they want to stay depressed and negative then I try to avoid people like that.

[moe]

Simple Guy
Thanks , that's what I'm trying to do
what is it you think of as "variety of positive lifestyle activities" ?

Don
My question was mainly for myself , they are aware of that , and don't want to change ( in the mean time at least )

Hypnomania
That would have been the easiest choice if you can do so , but if these are people you work with , or in your family , you can't avoid them for long

[skip]

Hi Moe,

Good question.

From an energy standpoint I zip up. Just like zipping up a jacket, only use your intent too, you are zipping up your energy field. Zipping down would open up your energy field. Makes you wonder what the real purpose of genuflecting is doesnt it?

Second, I recognize, deliberately, that people only affect me the way I allow them to. I get to control my response. And if I discover that I am habitually having an unhelpful (from my perspective) response, to someone or something, I chain anchors (NLP technique), so that my neurology automatically arrives at a better place. You might think of it as altering a pavlovian response to a preferred chosen response.

Third. I do my best to limit my time around crappy people. And I'm not talkijg about clients, because clients want help, and even if they have problems the energy is different, from just plain 'crappy people'. I deliberately choose to surround myself with people who challenge me and are energetic on their own, not people who are around to feed off of me.

Now that may seem a Machiavellian view, but so what, it is my life and I choose to live it, surrounded with positive people who inspire me, instead of people who are energy sucks. There are circumstances where you must interact with these people, but you can do far more than you might have previously imagined, to limit this, if you think about it.

skip

[Hypnomania]

You're right, sometimes you cannot choose the people you have to deal with. 7, 8 years ago I did work in a company where I did have a very strange collegue. I mean there were a couple of strange people, but one guy veeeery strange. I had to work with him not too often, just around two or three times per week. And every time he was quite rude and said very stupid things to me. And because he was always this extreme rude, I always thought, that this guy must have a very strange kind of humour and being rude just only because he thinks its funny. I did never believe that he really meant what he said and so I did just react in a similar way. I was talking to him in the same rough language and I honestly always thought that we're just joking. I mean I was joking.
And then one day the boss did throw him out. Several collegues had complained about him, because he has been so evil and gave others a hard time. I was really really surprised when I heard that and then I had to realize that I totally misunderstood this guy all the time. He was stupid to me. He was evil. And I was just too damned stupid all this time to realize that :eek: But at least I did have a good time while the other people where suffering with him :p

[parsa]

Nice question, thanks for asking it moe. I got a lot of helpful information too.

[Simple Guy]

Moe,

You're welcome. You ask about what I think of as positive lifestyle
activities. They are those things that enhance physical, emotional
and spiritual wellbeing. They are each important and they all play
a role in how effectively people counteract any negativity they
encounter. I could tell you how I address them, personally, but
it's better that this not be about me. I'd encourage you, though,
to give thought to what you can do on an ongoing basis to improve
these areas of your life.

[rodimus]

Ok , you were down, and picking up on your positive side
but
there're negative people around ( co-workers , family members ) that are quite depressed , you can almost feel negativity coming out of them when you're in their presence

how do you deal with that on your personal level so that they don't affect you ?

Thanks

Moe,

I used to let that pull me down, but not anymore. With a change in belief. Instead of believing it is pulling me down, I start to believe that it is a exciting challenge for me to improve myself, and then I challenge myself to influence and motivate them by any technique I can (motivating, suggestions, reframing, questions etc).

Perhaps you may start with this affirmation/belief:
"I am positve, happy and motivated, disregarding any contradicting moods of people around me. I am a leader, and I have the power to influence and I make it fun. "

[rodimus]

I also affirm:
The negativity of others cannot affect me. They have no power to influence me or my consciousness.


(similar to 'zipping up' your energy field method)

[Simple Guy]

Mahatma Gandhi spoke wisely when he said: "Be the change you want to
see in the world." They can serve as a reminder to "be at cause" when
dealing with the negativity of others.

[moe]

Simple Guy
you're right, it's better to find my own healthy activities in these areas


rodimusthis is what I have been trying to do, I smile inside myself , and think "oh , you're being too negative dear , why is that , this is not going to change my mood"

but at times, you don't really pay this attention , especially when in a discussion/debate/argument , and it doesn't go this well

I guess it just needs more and more practice , like any skill

Thanks all

[DrTadJames]

I would, Moe, with your permission ask everyone if they would like to kick this up a notch to a new level? Hopefully, a resounding “yes” was heard from all. This is a fun discussion that I love to have and one of my favorite topics.

Dr. Carl Jung, one of the 3 main founders of modern day psychology said that “Perception is Projection”. This means that what you perceive as outside of you is really projected (like a movie projector) from inside you to outside. He said that what is deeply unconscious must, of need, be projected outside onto people and events around us, for the purpose of making it conscious and for allowing us to incorporate it into who we are.

He went on to say that we tend to marry our Unconscious Mind and then project out onto her all of our unresolved, unconscious material. I don’t know about you, but this certainly explains much of my life.

Now we can either say that “Perception is Projection” is true or not. Since most of us are playing as if we were Bart Simpson most of the time, saying “I didn’t do it; nobody saw me do it; can’t prove anything;” we are already acting as if it were NOT true. Since this is the case, the opposite attitude would give us a whole lot of information and much insight about ourselves.

SO now, let’s pretend that “Perception is Projection” is 100% true….

Y I K E S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!!

Does that mean that the way that people act toward me is my creation? Yes
Does that mean that my old girlfriend really isn’t a witch, that it is all my stuff? Yes.
Does that mean that the way I am treated by clerks in the checkout line is my projection? Yes.
Does that mean …
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
It means that everything is my projection and whether I believe it or not, everyone around me and everything around me is a projection of my unconscious mind.

To the extent that I have negative emotions about it, it means that there is a problem there, and I need to do something about it.

NOW…does this mean that all this is true? NO…absolutely not, it is just another way of looking at the world around you and is no more nor is it any less true than the view you have of the world right now.

Your thoughts…

[parsa]

>>He said that what is deeply unconscious must, of need, be projected outside onto people and events around us, for the purpose of making it conscious and for allowing us to incorporate it into who we are. <<

I'm not sure I understand what this means. To me it seems like we see things in the outside world (project the precieved) the way they are because that way of seeing 'is' incorporated into who we are, not 'to' incorporate it

I guess to make a crude analogy I could say that every time I have an 'input' from the outside world it kind of goes to an interpretation unit where it turns it into something meaningful for me (my preception) and so the output is a projection of me, so to say.

An interaction with others is a constant input-output ordeal from 'all' those involved. It is not my creation but rather our creation.

Of course if any of the parties involved in the interaction change what they are doing, by definition, what the interaction 'is' will change. So in a sense you could say, yes the way people act toward me is my creation.

[skip]

Nice capsule of the difference in being at cause and at effect.

[Neurotic1]

As a generalisation (although I think a truism), every action has a positive intent. If you can pick up the positive intent behind people's words and actions, you have more chance of getting them to change their behaviour by helping them to use it to work a change for themselves. However, that sounds a lot like therapy doesn't it.. Maybe filter it out for yourself and only notice the positive in these people. Ignore the negative and know it comes from a positive.

[betlamed]

Dr Tad James,

"Y I K E S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!!"

Hehe. So do I. We shouldn't forget, though, that there are indeed positive projections as well as negative ones. The gorgeous girl who asked for my phone number (hey folks, this is nothing but the truth, and I'm still the same guy, remember?) - I created this reaction!

I love to compare the belief in the unconscious to the belief in g'd. In both cases, "some" force that I don't consciously control is really driving me (and the whole world). In both cases, there are means of consciously driving this force - to a certain intent, but never absolutely. Both are ultimately metaphysical belief systems.

I can see two very important differences, and I think they are connected:

First, g'd is imagined somewhere outside (We PROJECT the thought of something that's driving us OUTSIDE), while we imagine the unconscious somewhere INSIDE ourselves.

Second, you get g'd to do something by appealing, asking, praising, thanking and praying. With the unconscious, the techniques are different - as we all know. Why? My guess is that we grant ourselves more authority because we have the feeling that we can do so to something that's part of ourselves.

Do I go anywhere with this? Not really. Just rambling around.

bl

[DrTadJames]

Parsa, you got it. Because that means that you can change how someone reacts to you (the outside) by changing what is inside which causes it. Now, that is real power.

So let's say that you have a gf who just is tearing you apart, ragging on you, etc. Well, you can change her reaction by changing what is inside you that causes the negative reaction outside.

Betlamed, good ramble...

What fun... (Hey where's Moe...Moe come back and read this post! You started it!! It's your projection!!!)

[moe]

Dr. Tad James

I get your point ( the unconscious mind gives signals that triggers certain behaviours in others , so actually their actions are based on mine )

I think in some situations it can be true ,
I also think that looking at things this way , develops a sense of responsibilty , and awareness of what you do/think/feel around others , knowing it affects them and YOU as well in the same time

but I think there're cases where you're with someone who wants to behave in certain way , regardless of your signals ( depressed, disappointed ..etc. )
and those whom my question ( projection ) was about
in this case I think my options are in what I decide to do about their actions, and how I let it affect/not affect me

[Shlomo_NLP]

there are no negative people, just people with a different way of looking at certain things...

and for those I just stay patient and don't listen too much. especially, I'd use my talent to forget stuff they've said :-)

[sy-27]

You may notice that all these negative people are very much in rapport with each other, which only amplifies things.
I suggest that you meet them in their model then break it (so slightly) or even reframe their situations to somthing positive, i find that this works to great effect

[Kim]

I - of course agree with Tad- I was well trained by the wonderful David Shepard.!!!

I just want to add that it is possible not to like the negative part that is being projected. When I am choosing to feel a bit low I very often meet other low people. Then I get bored of meeting those low people because I am no longer wanting to feel low. Sometimes I still see those people.... but more often than not I look the other way.
I never like negative people and why should I ? But I also am fully aware that I can do something about it. If I know that they are negative I can change how I view them.
They can suddenly look like people who want my help to cheer up and be positive.
They can often look like people who enjoy being low and want to be left alone- I kindly and generously oblige. Amasingly when I leave the room I can often think of them positively. (and who is to know that they haven't been waiting for my departure to crack a huge smile and sing loudly about how happy they are?)
But I know that what I seek I find. What I need to wrk on comes and slaps me in the face with examples of myself out there for the world to see.
thankfully my life at the moment is fantastic and I am working towards utopia. In my model of the world there is a time factor involved so I will let you know when the appropriate time limit has passed.

remember there must be things to dislike to enable you to know there are alternatives. Whether you want to change it or not is about who you want to be.The whole picture sometimes needs a small negative to make it complete. Selfishness is something I learned to enable me to have the awareness of what I personally need to achieve success. I am sure in some situations it is seen negatively. My boss doesn't like it when I say no to working late for example.

thankyou for reading/hearing/feeling my ramblings.

Kimx

[skip]

Kimx,

Nice job of demonstrating being at cause.

skip

[Ricky]

This is very interesting because it comes up in the workplace.


One neat thiing about Dr James reply is it puts personal responsibility in our hands for the way others interact with us. There is some truth for sure.

One thing I've really noticed is that I act a certain way around certain co-workers, I'm real serious with some, I joke with others. What I have often thought about is that I maintain that image with different coworkers after a while and I feel like i have to act that certain way with them.

It is strange but true. I dont' want to act out of the particular character that I am for that particular person.

DOes anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[ezvano]

i sugest ignore the negativity, still be their friend if they mean something to you, dont let other people negative energy interfear with you, you think what you want their thinking is there buisness, give them love, and help them if they are worth it

[inandout]

Mmmmm. On the Carl Jung post and perception as projection. I work with a colleague who (is?) was very negative and my tolerance was tested greatly. What I realised for me was that there were things that were getting to me about him only because there were similar things in me that I was denying about myself. (Let me reflect in that mirror til I see my own shadow...please God let me see is quickly).

Realising that helps to reframe things and also gives me extra tools to deal with the few people I do get irritated around.

In other words "I'm in a glass house myself so I won't throw stones", to quote someone I read...(you know who you are!).. Which means if I get a strong emotion to something someone is doing, it pays me to look at myself first.

Brains are like soup. So many different combunations of ingredients. So many unique recipes. If my soup was exactly the same as yours would I respond the same way you do?

P.S. Someone offer me some more ingredients so I can choose which ones I would like to enhance my soup with please :)

Love
Kate

[Simple Guy]

Kate,

There is a Native American aphorism that goes something like:
"Difficult people are good medicine." I'd fully agree with this, if
it had been put: "Difficult people can be good medicine." They
offer us an opportunity to learn about ourselves. There is a
tendency for people, though, to lean towards self-absorption
rather than useful reflection and awareness. The self-absorptive
mode distances people from others, takes them out of present moment
awareness and maintains the ego based outlook that prevents people
from confronting the "difficult" aspects of themselves.

I haven't offered you specific "ingredients," and can't because I'm
not in a position to do so. I will say that mindfulness meditation
practices have been very helpful to many. It takes work and requires
an ongoing commitment.

[inandout]

Thanks Moe :)