need help

[needhelpnow]

Hello,
I am new here and planned to seek your help.

i have my kids and i love then alot.
well i cant scold my kids i fullfill all their demands within my budget

and cant see them crying.

but still my kids do not have affection for me
they are 5yr and 2 yr
not even for their mom but they are more inclined to our neighbours
even though they meet our kids once in a day or two for few minutes
but from past few months both my kids now cry to go over to them and they dont even want to come back to us.

but when they are back then its all right

i fear loosing my kids and they have started getting very very aggressive

like now if my wife say 'no' for something they get extremely violent.



i don't have any single clue why this is happening but what ever reason is i gotta win love of my kids and make them calm


any help ??

can conversational hypnosis do something for this??
can i learn it?

and yes i have been practicing positive affirmation for the same for last 10-12 days but no positive result but situation is getting worsened.



i am need for help immediately.

[Don]

Find a family counselor in your area. Many will accept insurance if you have it or work on a sliding scale. If you still can't afford it, contact your city or county mental health department. They should help you find counseling based on what you can afford.

[Poodle]

I am very sorry for your current problems. Two year olds are two year olds! In most places parenting classes are offered. You may be interested in looking into one.

"Conversational Hypnosis" won't do you much good. Your children are in what we call the "imprint years" and that basically means they are already in trance. That is why it is so very important to be careful with children.

Wishing you well,
Pood

[Connie]

... i gotta win love of my kids and make them calm .

How do you know that the kids don't love you?

[needhelpnow]

I think becuse they dont show it or they are more attracted by my neighbours.
they ignore us for them. thats the only reason and i fear we may loose them.

this could be temporary thing too.

but it makes my wife and me more worried.

[Merlin]

So, they don't meet your criteria/expectations for expression of their feelings?

[needhelpnow]

No its not that they dont meet my expectations.

because its not the case of expectation but they are more inclined to go to our neighbor.

and when they are not around then its allright.
but when they are around then they simply ignore us as if we are nothing.

and why it hurts me now because they were very close to me
and nothing has changed i am same

and may be i am taking it too seriously. actually we even my wife.

because she is the one who get hurts more. when they are around my kids get violent with their mom.

like few days back when my small kid saw her(my neighbor) he went to her and when my wife tried to tell him back u need to have UR LUNCH he started hitting my wife.

this kind of action makes us feel insecure.

and how it all began.

i guess we ourself have programmed it because we used to appreciate our kids being social and happy with others and some peopl who meet daily this was repeated daily and small kid started coping his elder.

now i want to correct this but dont want to make my kids introvert or somethign.

and i dont want to do something like giving them lots of choclter this kind of bribery to spoil their heath.



thats it.

[Don]

NHN wrote: "No its not that they dont meet my expectations....when they are around then they simply ignore us as if we are nothing."

So you EXPECTED them not to ignore you.

NHN wrote: "nothing has changed i am same"

Nothing stays the same. Well, that's not true. The only people who don't change are dead. I'm going to assume you're not constantly learning and changing because you posted here. Your children are growing and changing, too. Everything changes.

Children don't simply act violently. Allowing violence has occurred over time. Allowing children to be "social and happy" does not mean being ill-mannered, disrespectful, or violent.

My advice: immediately get into family counseling. Today. Not tomorrow. Call a family counselor today. Don't post here again until after you make an appointment for you, your wife and your children to get into counseling. At this point, yantras, mantras, jyotish, attempts to learn hypnosis and NLP are not going to help. Get into family counseling now.

AFTER you and your family have been to counseling for a few sessions, let us know how everything is going. You might also wish to have counseling just for your children and just for yourself.

[needhelpnow]

thanks Don for your advice,
1) i dont knwo any councelling person
2) my kids jhit thier mom and thats violent i guess
3) i dont want to point to my kids that they hit i dont want to repeat this again to them, i dont want to talk about all these negative things
4) i just want to be successfully divert them into something else what they are doing now. whenever they do something which is not good instead of telling them look dont do this its not good i want to switch topic and bring their focus on something else.

but if you think i should not comeback to this forum then

its okay with me

if u have anything to teach me then let me learn

thanks once again for your honest opinion

[Don]

thanks Don for your advice,
1) i dont knwo any councelling person
2) my kids jhit thier mom and thats violent i guess
3) i dont want to point to my kids that they hit i dont want to repeat this again to them, i dont want to talk about all these negative things
4) i just want to be successfully divert them into something else what they are doing now. whenever they do something which is not good instead of telling them look dont do this its not good i want to switch topic and bring their focus on something else.

but if you think i should not comeback to this forum then

its okay with me

if u have anything to teach me then let me learn

thanks once again for your honest opinion

1) That's an excuse to avoid getting help. I don't care if you don't know somebody--find them.
2) You "guess" hitting someone is violent? Give me a break! Of course it is.
3) The problem is not "talking" to your kids, it's "communicating" with them. You need to learn how to do that. A counselor will help you learn this.
4) What you "want" hasn't worked. Why don't you get into something that will work?

No, I'm not saying you shouldn't come here. What I'm saying is that you should stop wasting time coming up with excuses as to why you're not getting help locally and instead attempting to rationalize your actions to us.

Get help for you and your family LOCALLY. NOW. Don't waste any more time. Contact your local government for guidance. Contact your children's school. Taking classes could talk months--if you're successful. Counseling will help you NOW.

After you get help, come back and tell us how successful you and your family are. We WANT to hear about your successes. We don't want to keep you from achieving them.

[Poodle]

Don is very correct. You and the children need professional counseling.

I'm finding your posts difficult to believe. These children are 2 and 5. Just exactly who has the authority in your home? You write as if they are 12 and 15.

Get the proper and correct help now before you really do have a problem. After you and your family are doing well, you may like to save up for NLP and/or hypnosis training. There are trainers in your country and in neighboring countries.

[Soren K (existing)]

like few days back when my small kid saw her(my neighbor) he went to her and when my wife tried to tell him back u need to have UR LUNCH he started hitting my wife.

this kind of action makes us feel insecure.

and how it all began.

i guess we ourself have programmed it because we used to appreciate our kids being social and happy with others and some peopl who meet daily this was repeated daily and small kid started coping his elder.

now i want to correct this but dont want to make my kids introvert or somethign.

and i dont want to do something like giving them lots of choclter this kind of bribery to spoil their heath.



thats it.

Well, kids need boundaries to feel secure. That means someone has to be in control. Someone has to let them understand when their behaviour is unacceptable (for their own good yeh? I'd imagine you want them to do well in society), and not just that, but to encourage it when it is acceptable. Some people can take offence to their kids behaviour. In doing so they act no better than the child. A child is learning how to behave. A parent needs to help them to learn. Some parents can be very soft on their kids (they let them do and get away with whatever they want). Some parents can be very hard on their kids (they can very strictly and authoritatively enforce certain kinds of behaviour with punishments, etc.). A child needs to understand how to behave. A parent needs to assit the child in learning how to develop socially. If you are too soft, you risk ruining a proportion of the childs life. If you are too hard, you risk ruining a proportion of the childs life. But you needn't be too hard or too soft. You can be firm, and fair, and kind, you can give your kids life the structure s/he needs. You can encourage a kid for his good behaviour, and impose some moderate discipline for his bad behaviour. You can encourage him to make many more suggestions and requests, than demands and commands. You can treat him how you would expect others to treat him if you were watching them enforcing some discipline. You can think about how you would like to be treated were someone imposing some order on your behaviour. You can remember that near every parent goes through the same issues with their child. You can congratulate yourself that you care enough about your children that you are taking some positive steps to improve their lives. You can learn a bit about congruence, and how to improve your own behaviour to help take on the responsibilities that come with parenting. You can have fun being the boss, and your children can enjoy challenging your authority. You can realise, that like you, your child wants certain things, and does not want certain other things. You can warn your child that if they continue in their behaviour you will take something away. You and your child can realise that you carry out your authority. You can pay close attention to your child and uncover what motivates them. You can suggest that they will be rewarded if they carry out a certain set of behaviours. You can learn to be congruent in your behaviour toward them. If you warn them, and they don't conform you can impose the sanction. If you propose a reward for the behaviour, you can give them the reward if they carry out the behaviour. You can be appropriate, measured and calm in your assessment. You can be mature in your approach. You can be cross when you need to be. You can talk with your child. You can play with your children. You can get to know them. Give them confidence in their behaviours. You can be kind to your children. You can love your children, without giving them everything they want. To really love your child is also to consider how their behaviour affects / will affect their own lives. You can pay close attention to how your own behaviour is functioning in your relationship with your kids. You can be surprised how easy it is to take control of your household. You can remember that you are always doing your best. You can remember that you can always be better than your best at any given time. You can understand that you can always find new ways to improve your relationships. You can practice helping your child understand what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. You can demonstrate to the child what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. You can give your child choices. You can see that there are many options. You can ask yourself. how will I do it?

Recently, I watched a programme with a family who were having problems with their dog biting their visitors and family members. They would often strike the dog when he misbehaved - and they wondered why the dog would bite people! They fed him under the table and wondered why he wouldn't stop jumping up at the table and pinching their food. They also occasionally let him up on the sofa, then complained that he wouldn't get down. When they took him for a walk he would run riot. When he was on the lead, they let him go wherever he dragged them. Consistently, they were incongruent in their desires relative to their behaviours. Well they wanted the dog's affection I guess but they forgot about the longer term, and how the things they did in the moment affected the ongoing situation.

Things can change with the appropriate motivations.

Good luck with your decisions.

[Soren K (existing)]

i just want to be successfully divert them into something else what they are doing now. whenever they do something which is not good instead of telling them look dont do this its not good i want to switch topic and bring their focus on something else.

how would that help? diverting attention is not really addressing the issue, seems to me, at least

you say: dont do this its not good?
Is that better than me saying to you: don't think of the colour purple?

Is telling someone what not to do giving them any real indication of what to do?

Why would you want to divert their attention away to something else?

If they did something unacceptable, they surely need to understand its not acceptable, or wouldn't they do it again?

Telling them its unacceptable seems a bit hopeless.

I remember when i was a teenager, my mum used to tell me I lacked self-confidence. I used to think - what the f is she talking about - I had no idea what self-confidence was supposed to be - so I continued being an idiot. :)

So what does 'unacceptable' mean?

Or, 'its not a good thing to do'?

Hows about, teaching the meaning of unacceptable behaviour?

Look this is unacceptable behaviour!

Hows about, demonstrating the meaning of acceptable behaviour?

How about:

If you continue, there will be no treats later.
or
If you continue, I will put your favourite toy up on the shelf till tomorrow.
or
If you continue, you will have to sit on the naughty step for 10 minutes, and until you apologise.
or
If you continue, there'll be no tom&jerry today (man that's a toughie, i love that cartoon).

How about: carrying out your policies (people judge governments on such things).

Hey, there may be tantrums about the policies, but be understanding, its not easy being a kid, especially if things have been going your way and you find you have to change. But you can be firm, calm, and try and help them through their tantrum if it gets like that, and there is no point in attempting to impose sanctions amidst a tantrum, you must nip things in the bud - let a tantrum be the consequence of a policy introduction, not the reason for one.

My kid used to refuse to eat vegetables till I made a new policy in the house. No biscuits after dinner unless you eat your veg.

There was a stand off for a few days, I'm sorry pal, it's the policy, you need to eat your veg, your body needs the vitamins. He eats his veg all the time now. Even tells me he likes it!

Funny cause when he first started eating veg he would cauwk as he swallowed it down, like I had given him an insect to eat or something, but even then he'd say he liked it, and as he got used to it, you can actually see him enjoying it now - remarkable!

[Terry]

Just got back from a weekend with my daughter, son on law, and grand daughter, and I read this garbage, I paraphrase, "my kid hits my wife and I feel very insecure". Poor baby, my heart bleeds for you, but I am left wondering why you expect your kids to feel happy and secure with parents like you? You feel insecure, but expect your children to be better than you and evercome such negative feelings. Well guess what? They are doing exactly that by turning to the neighbours who do feel secure....
A week ago or so, my great gandchild hit me and not on play, I of course hit him back, and he cried. I don;t hate my great grandchild, nor even dislike him, in fact he is a joy, and my "bud" when he visits, taking grampa all over the complex, and wanting to take the dog as well. Point is, I am an adult, while this child is growing and learning. How much better I do the spanking and he learns not to hit out, instead of leaving him to bring himself up without any direction from an adult. Your children are smart enough to seek such guidance from the neighbours and I comment their good sense. You I am left to wonder about, and any further comments would result in my becoming insulting, and I choose not to do that....